Trails Of The Enigmatic Life

My Life Only Begins at Night.......

2009-10-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

[CURRENT MUSIC: TIESTO,MIKO MUZAIK]

Tiesto Miko Muzaik. It's so damn hallucinating. I've just snorted four lines of K, like the picture. and something else. My life begins only at night. That's where I find pleasure. Just listening to Tiesto and in the famous words of Tiesto's opening as always "take you into a trip into the indefinable something something,,,"

Well, it's all good if you know what I'm saying. But the K thing lasts too short. 45 min max. Can't get coke in Malaysia though. Anyway I still think E is the best. Gonna get my supply tomorrow. The rush, the adrenaline rush is just out of this world.

I've been having lots of things in my life lately. When I'm lonely I'm lonely all alone. Then when some perfect candidates come, they come in two or three. I mean God, couldn't you just apportion it? Say give me one now and one maybe later? Not all in one go , you know what I'm saying?

Anyway, I met this Stph Nie Nie today. OMG, i mean she is just so sweet. Her gestures everything. And then she msg-ed me too, in quite a friendly way. Am I over-guessing things like always? Or I don' t know. And now there is YSR. She is smoking hot too. But Stph is very comfortable to hang out with.

And I mean she's in the wedding dinner of her friend's but she still msg-ed me. I mean we msg-ed and it's good. All in all, I've got a good day today.

Ok Shit, now the pills are kicking in. Shit but these shits are really short-lived. E is the best cos it maintains for quite some time.

Whoever you reading this, don't judge or even critisize my post or lifestyle. Respect that everyone has his / her own lifestyle. And frankly I don't need someone to tell me how to live my life. Except two persons, my mother and the woman I love. which of course I haven't met yet.

Oh God, this effect is really kicking in. Feels bit floating now. Now today after TGIF we went for a tea session at Secret Recipe. It was real cool, cos we could relaly connect. And the thing is I love her smile, she is so sweet. OMG.

And I'm glad one of my colleagues we smiled today. She must be thinking I'm some snobbish asshole who thinks I'm all that. In fact I'm not. I'm just not a person who warms up easily. It takes time. I really wanna say to to this colleague of mine with the name starts with "C", I have nothing against you, it's just that I'm not comfortable with noises and groups gathering around me gossiping. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

All in all, I don't want to limit my expectations. Good is always good.

But I like her, I really do. Pretty, thrifty, good girl. looks pretty. Initially we wanted to go to Starbucks but she said, don't drink something so expensive. At that point, I know she is a good girl. And her smile my god, I can't stop looking at her. Wanna lock my lips with hers.

I just took another half pill. Cos I can feel the kick is coming in, and i wanna exemplify it. Cool right? Can't wait for my E tomorrow.

Whoever is reading this, don't judge me just because I take drugs. I live my life. Who doesn't want a happy life? There are lots of things that you guys have that I don't.

I love Tiesto!! Trance!! All these RNB shits, ok I mean I love RNB too. But more to trance. I would love to go to Europe one day. Ibiza. And get the hard trance thing. If I strike lottery, I'll do an all expense paid trip for my friend to join me to Ibiza. especially Visnu, the party king. And Ijai, he's my really good friend. I know I dont' really talk much. I'm not comfortable with people staring at me. But with Ijai, we can talk all shit. He's truly my brother. And Visnu too.

And about my colleague, the one whose name starts with "C", she's a nice girl, I just sometimes am having my own problems and I don't like staring at her cos I know I'll have a long face. But unfortunately it leads to her thinking I'm snobbisih maybe. I plan to let her know that I'm in fact not. She's a nice girl really :) And I'm really sorry if I've caused her any inconvenience.

This is my life I'm writing tonight. And I feel happy today. I really do. Maybe part of it is because of Nie Nie. I really like talking to her, and her smiles and everything.

Hoping.......................

2009-09-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

[CURRENT MUSIC: NORAH JONES: TURN ME ON]

What am I hoping for? A picture speaks a thousand words. Love, of course. Just try to imagine the mood I'm in, factor in the music I'm listening to, dim lighting, with a hope in my heart.

The power of internet, I must say, is amazing. After countless tries combined with the SET software, and my friend Jai's somewhat unclear hint, I managed to find her on FB!! Well, it certainly took quite an amount of effort. SET here and there, by floor, by last name, FB, Friendster and at last.....at last by chance of an instinct, I yahoo-ed her and appeared an online boutique where her name was there. And so I clicked but still nothing was there. Now thank god for the creating the World. Hence human, hence the internet. And hence the power of sharing blogs with FB. And with a click which links to FB, there she is!

After months and months of staring in the lift, and the unclear glance my friend Jai had on her tag, now I know her name. Hehe am i happy!

Well, Allan K. Chalmers once said, "The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

I guess that is what I'm lacking. I don't even have something to hope for in my life. Ain't that pathetic? And I've been shutting myself from love too much until finally I feel I can't take it anymore. This time around, I think I'll give it a go, my whole go, no matter if it's gonna work out or not, regardless if she's already attached or not. The key word is "try". Never try never know.

I want to feel alive. Feeling alive doing something passionately. Hoping for something passionately. We saw each other again today at MyNews. I could almost caught her taking a glance at me too. The whole day was so dull for me but that moment when I found her name online made me feel good, and I'm still feeling good. Hehe.... I know this may sound corny but there's a line I picked up from "Harold & Kumar". "These 10 seconds I have in the lift with you everyday, it's the best time of my day". Of course I'm not going to say these to her, no....haha. That won't be a very successful pick-up line. So what should I say? "Hey, u wouldn't happen to have an online boutique would ya?" Now that sounds good, yea I think so. But first of all of course, smile to her, smile to her. I mean my online master has been stressing this point to me over and over again.

In the famous words of Derek Lamont, "Smile! Smile to the lady. I cannot stress how important this often ignored gesture is to leaving a good impression in womans' hearts."

Now, seriously, everyone who knows me knows how long I've been shutting myself out from this thing called love. All I do is not get serious and flirt around. And frankly, I'm quite tired of that already. So, this time I'm going to give it my best effort and take a shot at it. For that, God I know I'm not really a believer but bestow upon me some luck to make this happen. :)

Now I guess today's a good post. And I can go to sleep with some hope in my heart, smiling. Hope is what keeps us going. Without it, we're as good as dead... :)

Look For A Star

2009-09-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

[CURRENT MUSIC: BEAUTY AND THE BEAST]

I just finished watching this movie "Look For A Star". It's a lazy Sunday night, basically doing nothing other than being a permanent couch-potato, day-by-day.

The sillier you are, the happier you are...when it comes to love anyway. Like kids for instance, if they like something they like. If they don't they don't. They're simple, direct, outright. Unlike us adults, we think too much. We weigh the consequences to every situation. We do a cost-benefit analysis to every scenarios.

So the story goes. At first it was Vivian which I talked to the other day, telling me to not really set my expectations so high and to love for the moment. When it comes grab it, think too much and there you are alone again. At that time, I thought to myself "Ahh what bullshit, how could a 20 yr old like know know better than me?" But then today this movie I watched reinforces what she said in my mind. Maybe it's true that I'm constantly expecting for better ones that I'm still alone, feeling lonely most of the time and unhappy.

So now there's one presented in front of me. Should I go for it? Because I've already started weighing the good and bad points. I've started laying out the cost-benefit analysis. And so what made me think if I should go for it is why do I care so much really? It might not even last. Just go for the heat of the moment thing. After all how long do we all live? Right? What I'm talking about is really a fundamental change in me. If I go for it this time, I will have a real fundamental change in me, not be so fussy and have so high expectations. But it could be good you know? Maybe that's the key to my happiness.

Let's just see how it goes.......

Complete Isolation from the World

2009-09-23T07:20:00.000-07:00

[Current Music: Robin Thicke: Sweetest Love]

I think I've reached the peak of my depression. I've totally isolated myself from the world. Last 4 days of Hari Raya holidays made it worse. I was really all alone. No interaction with any human at all.

My life is like I wake up at 2pm, turn on Astro, channel 705, at least those R&B clips made me happy, laze around, take a bath, go out to the nearby Damansara Perdana to takeaway a pack of pathetic food, come back home, ate, later on watch some DVD i bought, and the watch even more movies, and came evening, start my gym duties, and come night.

This is my favourite part of the day. I start to switch off all lights, only leaving the orange dim table lamp lit. Then again I turn on channel 705 and let those R&B plays. I love those caps they wear.

And then here is the fun part. I lay out my collection of stash on the table. And I choose which one to take.Pills, amphetamine, ketamine, liquor. Last Friday I snort ketamine alone. And started talking to complete strangers on IRC telling them how lonely my life is. And I started talking to Bee too. She knows I'm on drugs.

I'm thinking of getting weed tomorrow from Azrin. I told him I wanted to get heroin and he said I'm horrible. Yea I don't know. No, I know, I don't know what else to do.

I spent 1k last wednesday on drinks out the girls.378 in Library. 338 in Sanctuary. and 200 for the damages I did in Sanctuary. And nobody actually thanked me for it. It pisses me off. When everybody goes out to drink I pay, but there is not even a single thank you. Fuck them all.

Friends keep asking me out. Kevin asks me out. Vting asks me out. But somehow I push them away. I isolate myself. But when I isolate myself I'm not happy. Cos I'm lonely.

Today, I didn't even go to work on the pretext of I'm sick because I took pills last nite and it made me completely blur this morning. I have start to even fuck up my work. Look at the picture of this post. I'm exactly like him now.

I know I definitely need to work tomorrow. So I can't get stoned. So I just took one shot neat of whisky. That's the least I can take. I can't stand soberness anymore. It's killing me. Every night, every fucking night I need some stash. I've even already planned what's coming this Friday night. Cos I know I'll be very very very lonely myself and I would die from it. Hopefully I could get some weed cos the effects are longer. Hell, I'll smoke myself to heaven if i have to.

Something's wrong with me? I know. Who wants to be like this? I don't know what's wrong with me. I've got my own whole place now, but it seems like I'm just getting lonelier and lonelier. Even people who msg-ed me on MSN, I don't bother to reply. I think that people don't like me and I don't like people as well. Sometimes when that girl from 8th floor smiled at me, I felt a sudden surge of esctacy, like someone noticed me. someone cares to look at me.

Then I saw that bitch Jacklyn posting her couple picture with the caption, something special. When she was with me, she said that she wasn't the showy type. She wouldn't wanna post our picture on FB. but then now I saw it. And I'm damn pissed off. It's like I've been conned. It's like I'm inferior. What the fuck man :( It makes me real sad and down. Am I really so unappreciated? What do I lack that she has to do that? I've treated her every possible loving way I could. And this is what I get?

And then I saw on FB every posts msg-es of happiness from those 4 days holidays. Bali, back from Singapore, had a happy holiday. And why can't I have that? Why am i all alone in my condominium? The only person I do not hate now is Nicholas. Even though he's very sweetly in love with his gf, he still cares for me. He calls and knowing I'm not alright, he thinks about me.

And then there is Joelyn. I really miss her at times. Sometimes out of nowhere at night, I think of our drinking session, how happy I was hanging out with her. And I wonder why is it that I never see her online anymore. Any idiot would've guessed that she blocked me. I guess our last speech where I lashed out at her really pissed her off. But never thought she would just block me like that.

Ahh. seriously I don't know what can I do with my life anymore. I'm constantly on drugs cos that's the only release I can find. I googled last nite on the effects of heroine which says it's really addictive. That's what stops me. But I don't know. I may try it one day or soon I don't know.

Right now, I just hope to get my weed supply tomorrow so that I will feel better on Friday.

Why Does It Hurt So Bad...Why Do I Feel So Sad

2008-11-20T05:14:00.000-08:00

Current Music: [Whitney Houston - Until You Come Back]

At 9:20 p.m.

I'm drinking fine whisky, courtesy of my generous housemate, puffing Salem, and talking to Joe on MSN while directing my ears towards Whitney Houston's melodic voice. Nowadays, my hands shake for no apparent reason, mild shaking though. Is it because of excessive drinking? The first sip of my whisky tasted ewwww, it's so hard. I always wonder why do people like hard liquor anyway? I had it neat though, trying to imitate the movies when they always had a big gulp down. But after one glass, it feels better.

At 7:00 p.m. [ an hour earlier ]

Let's take a peek into my life, not that anyone is interested. After all, I'm just a pathetic 9-5er. I have a drinking problem. When we were young, we always thought that alcohol was cool. It's a brand we like to tag ourselves to. It's one of the few things we can claim to own, that it's ours. The same goes for cigarettes. It isn't necessarily the same when it becomes an addiction. I have a drinking problem and it's bad. And it's mostly attributed to emptiness that I drink. An abysmal misery, that's how I like to term my condition at 7:00 p.m. I wish this invisible envelope that wraps me up will just go away and disappear.

My vision was in a blur just now. I couldn't see anything in front of me. There was a obscure blurriness that prevents me from seeing things clearly. I walked into One World's hotel lift pressing 16th floor, which of course was my mistake. And then I scurried across One Utama without my soul being present. People were walking around me in an orderly fashion. They all looked alert and at ease with themselves. It came to a point where I almost did not know where I was or what I was doing. The only thing recognizable to me was my destination, to the carpark to get my car.

The whisky bottle at home was the only thing in my mind. The only thing. I couldn't think of anything else except that. Nevertheless, I headed towards a restaurant, sat down and consumed a plate of tasteless vermicelli. It was tasteless not because it was not delicious, because I lost my taste buds. It was really just a tool to fill up my stomach at that point of time.

Laughters, laughters, laughters, that's all I ever hear everyday, you know? Happy faces, happy faces, happy faces, that's all I ever see everyday, you know? I'm sick of hearing laughters and seeing happy faces. People tell me I'm an emotion extremist. It was never within my control. I'm always a slave to it. When I'm happy, I go beyond the sky and when I'm sad, I fall into an immeasurable abyss.

Problems, problems, problems, that's all I ever get everyday, you know? Emptiness, emptiness, emptiness, that's all I ever feel everyday, you know? Mom actually went and told Sis that I do not think of her as a family because of the money issue. Gosh, does she think that actually helps the situation? My father called me last night explaining to me that abandoning us isn't really what he wanted. My mother try to make it sound like it's my fault that I hadn't do anything for my father all this time, despite the fact that she always tells me my father sides with the other side. Any my sister sounded disappointed upon learning I do not treat her as a family. I could not take it anymore!! I just shut off everything and went off work. What's happening to me? What should I do?

Have the thought of suicide ever crossed your mind? The writing pad I bought just now had a new purpose. A enamored thought crossed my mind asking me to use it to write my suicide note. I would pass it to a few important persons to me in this world. Or write a will. Hand it to a few persons in my life. I first had suicidal thoughts in 2005 when I was in Australia. Things were so overwhelming. I was in the shower on day for 30 minutes with water splashing down my head and I thought that's it. It's time. It resurfaced many many times after I came back to Malaysia. It's not the location, it's me. I don't have the courage though. At times, I felt really hopeless and weak the thought crossed my mind, but I don't think I would be courageous enough to pull it off. But one day if I really do it, I'll be hugging 'Blink', one of the few things I want to remember in my life or in my afterlife. Sometimes after reading, I hug it to sleep close to my chest. It's something which I can fantasize that she's mine, that she's close to my heart. Every now and then, I open the book to read the greeting she wrote me. It still feels warm, like it's yesterday.

As if my problems are not enough, I found some irregularities in my hearbeat last Friday. It freaked me out and I reduced my addiction to two sticks on Saturday. Maybe it's because of excessive smoking. Maybe it's because of excessive drinking. Either way, God please don't take those two away from me. They are the two things in this world which at least I can proudly claim to be mine. I actually hope I meet someone in life who's in my situation, so that I can relate to him or her. Everyone seems to think I'm asking for it, that I deserved it because I'm negative. Haha, if anyone could be happy, wouldn't they want it?

Thomas Jefferson quoted in his speech on the Declaration of Independence that "We hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable; that all men are created equal and independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

The pursuit of happiness... Maybe even in Jefferson's time, he has come to realise that happiness is something that we can only pursue. It's elusive in nature, something that we can only pursue but never will be able to get.

My sickness is really getting to me. It's affecting my work, my relationship with colleagues, friends and everyone including my family. Most of the time, I don't know what can I do anymore to save myself, which is why I immerse myself in booze and cigarettes all the time. First it was cigarette, then it was beer. Then it's hard liquor. When is drug coming into the equation? It freaks me out that drugs will eventually come into the picture, and it freaks me out even more that when I'm done with drugs, suicide is next, when eventually there is nothing else more left to turn to. All these things, booze, cigarettes and drugs are really something to cover up my miseries.

I went to MPH today and read a gift book entitled "Love Book". It has quotes on love from famous poets around the world. There's a quote that says "every human has a basic need. they want to know someone is wondering what time they will be home tonight". I don't have that. I've hard really bad days recently. I just do not know what to do with my family anymore. Everything is so surface between me and my sister. In my younger years, I used to think people who comes home after work drinking whisky is cool. After all, he or she is a young professional urbanite ain't it? But now I know it's not. I'm the person now. Listening to Josh Groban's "Rememeber When It Rained" now, the phrase "running down...running down..running down contantly playing, I had smiles in my face and frowns in my heart at the same time.

It's near, it's near...the days of leaving this world...one day when I can't take it no more and if I have the sudden courage. I just hope for a miracle. Or I need a shrink...

Songs...songs and songs...

2008-11-17T04:18:00.000-08:00

Current Music [Babyface: I Only Think Of You On Two Occasions]

I only think of you on two occasions, that's day and night....................

Today is gonna be the day where I post my crappiest post ever. For I do not know what it is that should be written. I do not know what should be written or rather say there are a lot of things that I dare not write here. I finally did it. Beers are out of fashion now for me. Not strong enough for my thoughts apparently. Now I'm doing whisky...at home. Finally felt that beer at Dave's is not gonna give me what I want.

On a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of tipsiness, the rank is on 7 now. I really need to write but I'm holding a lot and a lot of things back. I've just had two straight shots. Damn, that's what I'm talking about. Now I'm feeling something. Now I can write. Don't get me wrong, I do not enjoy this. Anyway whoever the reader is, you can forgive me for whatever rubbish I spout out tonight as you know, it's mostly on whisky. On the other hands, you could take me seriously for the whisky might bring out lots of hidden agendas.

I've gotta change the song list first. Yea, Brandi Carlile is playing now. These stories don't mean anything if you don't have anyone to tell them to huh? But let me ask you this question. What if you've always got someone to tell your story to, and suddenly the story you're gonna tell is something you can't tell this person? How'd that feel huh? Cool right? Totally man. Defense is really paper thin. For I feel so damn weak here energy is draining out my veins.

Alcohol, I'm sorry wanted to say something about alcohol, but I just broke down. I hope this will make me feel better. I'm questioning my life, my fate, my luck, everything.Finally, I broke down after all these suppressed emotions.

Today in the bus for ALC, i felt as if I'm Zach Braff on the airplane, except that I'm the opposite. In fact the whole situation is the opposite of Garden State. In Garden State, everyone was panicking on the airplane while Zach was emotionless. Today, everyone was happy, busy chattering on the way home but I was in so much confusion, pain, denial and heartache. I plugged on my headphones to avoid the crowd and tuned in to one song after another which makes me feel even more. Dashboard Confessional's Stolen, Michael Buble's Home, Dishwalla's Angels or Devils, Damien Rice's Cold Water, Michael Buble's Put your head on my shoulders, Deathcab for Cutie's What Sarah Said. I looked up the ceiling of the bus and Garden State came to my mind. Wait, now Angels or Devil is playing.

This is the last time that I'm ever gonna come in tonight.....This is the last time I will fall, I can see the love in you, I can see the pain in you...

Sorry I told you tonight's post gonna be crap. I just let my thoughts flow and wrote it down, doesnt think at all. Whisky's a bad choice, a real bad one. Shouldn't have because I didn't know it made me bolder. Now that I've drank, I feel like talking to her straight away. Augustana's Boston is playing now. God, I love and am so attached to every song I'm playing now. Weekend sucks. My last weekend was like crap. Seko said today that habits can't be changed, you can only hope to replace it but it can't be changed. If that's what you are from day 1, that's what you're gonna be. I tried to be strong, put it off, take it as nothing happened, but somehow I failed successfully. Jacob Golden's On a Saturday has never really appealed to me, but I'm trying to listen to it now as it's her favourite. I used to joke that it sounds to me like a Saturday funfair, which I find it really funneh. But now I'm trying to listen to it really closely.

I'm talking to Jac on msn and I broke down again. And another friend just called. What a night. Lots of attention suddenly. But i need to write. Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah is playing now. I still remember how we used to talk about this song. She said it's about faith in religion. I thought it's about relationship. I've always like talking to her as she is so insightful. How can I tell her all this? Oh, she's online now.

Now try to listen to the lyrics of this song Matchbook Romance's Tiger Lily. It' just exactly like what happened between me and her. We're driving tonight everytime after drinking and talking about our lives, it's so nice. It's really paradise. And everytime I just wanna stop my car and hold on to her, which most of the time I hesitated. And everytime, I don't want to speak those words, cause I'm afraid of making things any worse. I'm afraid of losing her. But I want more. I really like her. Everytime after the night ends, I ask myself, "Why does tonight has to end? Why can't we hit restart, please God?" Let it pause it at our favourite parts, let us skip goodbyes.

If I had my way, I would really turn my car around and run away, to a far away land, just me and her. I'm caught between doing and not doing. I want to do it but I'm afraid it might be the wrong move. This song just so reflects what's going on between me and her.

We drive tonight,

And you are by my side.

We're talking about our lives,

Like we've known each other forever.

The time flies by,

With the sound of your voice.

Its close to paradise,

With the end surely near.

And if i could only stop the car

And hold onto you,

And never let go (and never let go)

I'll never let go (i'll never let go)

As we round the corner

To your house

You turned to me and said,"i'll be going through withdrawal of you

For this one night we have spent.

"And, i want to speak these words

But i guess i'll just bite my tongue,

And accept "someday, somehow"

As the words that we'll hang from.
And i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.

'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse.

And i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.

'cause i, i don't want to make things any worse.

Why does tonight, have to end?

Why don't we hit restart,

And pause it at our favorite parts.

We'll skip the goodbyes.

If i had it my way,I'd turn the car around and runaway,

Just you and i.

Emotions Analysis [Dissection]

2008-11-15T09:00:00.000-08:00

Current Music: [Jackson Browne-Stay]

It's Saturday night for me and it's uh 1:02 in the morning. I've just had my dose of 24 [Twenty-Four] from episode 9-13. The words "The following happened between 9.00am - 10.00am on the day of the California Presidential Primary" keeps ringing in my head. Haha, why am i being such a nerd to actually remember that. Jackson Browne's Stay has an effect on me I guess. It sounds happy. Another familiar voice that echoes in my head goes "My name is Jack Bauer and I'm a Federal agent. Today will be the longest day in my life".

Enough of the introduction eh. Tonight the topic is on emotions analyis or dissection. Think of emotions as a cadaver. Think of yourself as a forensic specialist in charge of dissecting a body. Whether you like it or not, emotions, this damn word flows into us every minute of the day...except when you're in deep slumber. Wait, even when you're in the faraway dreamland, emotions actually do seep in as you dream. You wake up in the morning and you discover you have develop more freckles today than yesterday. The emotion with a tag called "frustration" flows in. During lunch, this beautiful girl from the opposite table hands you a smile so genuine the emotion called "happiness" tags you because you feel worthy, appreciated and you realised you're actually attractive. You've been kissed the night before by the person you like. You wake up feeling you're on top of the world the next morning even 9/11 can't bring you down. Out of the blue one day, your boyfriend just decided to say goodbye and starts isolating your books from his CDs. Saddest day in your life, I suppose. Negative emotion on that one.

Well the thing is we need to learn how to dissect our emotions piece by piece, analyse them and solve them. One of the favourite pasttime of human beings is to hoard emotions, put them all in a big pile until one day they burst. Not a very interesting pasttime activity but definitely one of the most common one practiced. Let's pull an example to elaborate on the cadaver dissection. You wake up one morning feeling like shit. Work sucks and you can't communicate with your colleagues. As if those are not enough, you dread the chicken chop with rice you've been having for the past 2 days. And to top that up, you think you're a lonely sucker for going home alone after work again at 6 p.m. Blames start flying in on everything around you...boss sucks, colleagues are losers, above all you are the most pathetic person in this whole wide world. This is where my theory comes in. Ask yourself deeply, what is your problem really? Was it really the boss, the colleague or the chicken chop with rice? Nothing is easy in this world. To get results, you need to put in efforts. Your effort in this case would be to really do some soul-searching and ask yourself, i repeat, DEEPLY what is really missing in your life that makes you behave the way you do? After some deep thoughts, you think, really it's because I lack love in my life. I need a girlfriend to be there for me. So do it, get one. Problems solved, maybe not all, but I assure you a substantial part of what we just mentioned. You start to realise that the boss is not that sucky after all, because despite the workload you get, you know at the end of the day you get to see the one you love. The core of the problem is "emptiness" really. If you try to psychoanalyse your emotions, like we did above, emptiness is the thing you should work on improving or solving and BAM! you feel happier.

I had a problem once with my ex-girlfriend. When we broke up, I felt really down. It lasted for a few weeks. I've been hoarding all the memories that we had together and every morning I thought of the things we've enjoyed together, the food we ate in some restaurant, the bookstore we went to. I was constantly blaming my own misfortune. Concentration was just a pure failure at everything I do. That is what we call psychological hoarding. We human try to cling on to too much rubbish from our past. What's worse is most of us won't even take the initiative to clean up those rubbish. Most people argued that it's part of their lives, sweet memories, etc, bla bla bla that they need to keep for it to be meaningful. But let's face it, selfishness is a trait that everyone shamelessly possess inherently, sad to say. Now the question is, why be cruel to yourself? The other party doesn't care if you think it's a sweet thing to be remembered in memory. Your ex lover may have moved on, and instead you're clinging on to something which burdens your heart more each and everyday of your life. Dump it, accept that it's the past, move on, life has so much more to offer. So, having said that, I woke up one morning and realised that it was her company that I enjoyed, not because i loved her. I realised it could be another girl and I would still feel the same. I would still miss her and the places we hang out at. The dissection of my emotions took place. I took the effort to dissect my emotions piece by piece and I don't live in my past now. So sometimes you need to ask yourself, be it your past or your current, do I really love him or did I? Or is it just because of the company? Or is it because of the familiarity that's so hard to kick off? It's very important to understand this simple yet subtle fact of life folks.

Don't get me wrong. I never made this to sound easy. I failed too at times. Like I said, nothing is ever easy in this world. But the choice of being out of trouble [I wouldn't really use the word happiness here because it's quite elusive to me], being not unhappy at least is really in your own hands.

I was supposed to stop at the last paragraph above but Jann Arden's "Hanging by a thread" kicks in. So to let my readers have a feel of what I'm going through now, I'll upload that on my blog, hopefully it works. With this song playing, let me write something. It's about this girl in my life [I think she knows who she is]. I've been contemplating for the last 48hours whether to write something. Not only that, I've been having doubts over what is right to write and what is not. It is not some risk I'm willing to take. To this point, I feel like erasing my earlier posts on some of the girls who were in my life because I know I was wrong and that I'm right about this girl...all along.

I've been stalling for about 15 minutes but I can't really decide on things to write. I'm afraid of saying the wrong things. She is just special to me in short.

Ok...I uh went for a smoke..and I stood outside the balcony for like 30 minutes staring at the lit-up stretch of condominiums up far. And I've decided to re-edit this post, add something. Previously I can write freely about the girls, because they were in my life before. For this particularly girl I am talking about, I can't. I dare not write about her here, because she's not mine. I uh...decided to watch OC now at 4:28 in the morning.

Season 2: Episode 1: The snO.C. - at 40th minute and 30 second. Well, to be precise it's at 41th minute 10 second...between Ryan and Lindsay. That's what I experienced. That's how it is to me. And that's how much it meant to me. I watch it to remember what happened. Again too much ramblings. I'm going for a smoke again...

Don't be a stranger...

2008-11-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

Ever met a stranger who did something nice to you? Be it a favor, carrying your groceries to your car, helping you up when you accidentally fell down, or just a mere smile which totally makes your day. I've came across this really amazing blog "One Minute Writer" and a sub-topic titled "Strangers", which has about 132 comments from all over the world, narrating their experiences with strangers who made a difference on their lives. http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/2008/11/todays-writing-prompt-stranger.html

My first day in Adelaide and I was lost in Rundle mall at 8p.m. Shops were all closed. I had no idea how to get back to Mile End. I met a business-suit man and asked for directions to the bus. He was kind enough to offer me a lift home in his over-sized Land Rover. Before dropping me off, he gave me his name card and asked me to contact him should I encounter any difficulties in Adelaide seeing that I'm a new-comer. He defined Australians; he carved an image of Australians in my mind from that day onwards, that they are friendly and helpful people. I could not forget how nice he is until today for he really made my day. Simple things that strangers do can leave a mark in someone's life. It makes you feel that the world is somehow not as cold as you think it is.

The owner of the BMW parked opposite mine in my condominium. He did nothing but unselfishly offered his smile everytime we met in the lift. It brightened up my day after an usual long one.

Likewise, I started having conversation with strangers nowadays, partly to feel good about being nice to others and partly to experiment with the reaction that I am to receive when I randomly strike up a conversation with them. The world should be a harmonious place, isn't it, where people greet each others with smiles everyday, caring for each other instead of being cold, selfish, living in one's own world.

Today, I had two conversations with two different strangers and I received smiles from both of them. It made my day and I'm quite certain it made theirs too. The first was with a woman at the lift. We were waiting for the lift together and she was having a rather tight facial expression. When we exited the lift, there was a bunch of 12-13 year olds shrieking at the top of their lungs in swim suits heading towards the pool. I struck up a conversation with the woman.

Me: "Gosh, they were noisy, weren't they?"

Woman: " Yea, they definitely are (sounding totally agreeable). "

Me: "Kids, huh..." (laughed)

Woman: "Yea, kids " (laughed too).

Before she went off, she smiled at me and wished me a good day.

The second conversation was with a Domino's delivery guy. It was simple. I was about to enter my condominium which needed access card. Obviously he did not have one and he followed me in when I swiped mine. Before I exited the lift, I gave him the most untainted, true smile (somehow I just felt really friendly today) and wished him good night. I can tell I made his day by the facial expression he had at that point of time. Okay, I may be assuming his thoughts , but what I gather from his expression, or my own thoughts when I get that kind of treament is "Wow, he is really polite and nice, there are still nice people in this world and the world is not exactly cold. Well, as bad as my day seemed to be, there is still hope in this world. At least that guy made it better".

I guess all I wanted to say tonight is sometimes, if your emotions allow of course, smile to people. Make someone feel nice. For me, it feels nice to make someone else feel nice, not sure about you though, whoever you are reading this.

A Million Thoughts

2008-10-31T12:15:00.000-07:00

Current Music: [Frausdots - Soft Light]

Let me just light up a cigarette first....I somehow forgot when it is I last blogged. I've been drinking yes. I just drank...and it feels good to write something now. Oh I really should remember that this is a blog post and refrain from the "..." thing which looks so unprofessional. I've just read through Ling's blog http://lingharpsichord.blogspot.com/ , which is a good friend of mine in Adelaide. Well, we were mere acquaintance; we do not hang out much, but somehow I've always felt a certain inclination towards her writings and herself personally.

I stalled for a moment just. For I do not know what to write. I am staring at my arm where my left black tribal tattoo lies. A moment of madness signals to me that I should have some razor over it. What is the world anyway? There's this constant thought on my mind each and every day asking why are people around me so happy? Like I said, I somehow can relate to Ling (apart from Joe of course, who is like my other half). Whatever Ling said on her blog, no friends in KL as opposed to Adelaide, alone, do not know who to call for coffee. I can totally relate to that. Not that I am desperate or pathetic, but everyone longs for a sense of belonging. Like what Michael Buble sang, a home to go home to.

Most people wouldn't comprehend what I'm writing here, so please do not judge me.

"A problem is a problem if you think it is. Don't let anyone tell you how insignificant your problems are. They may think you are over-exaggerating, they may think it's a small problem, but if it's there, it's there".

Can somebody bring me some more Carlsberg please? They really should set up something like 1300-Carlsberg-delivery. I guess I would have to focus on my Dunhill's Lights then.

I'm so filled with anger nowadays for no apparent reason. Today I saw with my own eyes a BMW banged into a Kelisa. I actually felt happy seeing that. It brings indescribable joy to me that somebody fucked up, that somebody is there to share my pain inside. At times, I want to inflict pain on the world, so to feel that I am not alone.

Sometimes I hesitate and consider alot if I should really write out what I feel, for fear that people will judge me. Jac would probably be scared to death if she reads this. But can anyone really understand me in this world other than Joe? Can someone really look into my eyes and tell me what I feel is normal? Nobody would like to feel this way you know. Everyone deserves happiness, but I didn't have it. Hopes are dashed all the times. Love is a fairy-tale. Nobody means what they say. Everything in this whole wide world is a lie and it's all about money.

I met Nic and Huiwen the other day. Just as I was hanging out with them, I realised how happy they are as a couple. Simplicity seems to be the keyword to happiness, well, according to him. Like what I told Joe, we are the best of friends, no doubt, but once the hanging out is done, Im still back alone in my room, feeling the emptiness all over again. Well, not really though, I mean I've learnt how to deal with living alone better now.

Let me light up...yet another stick...

Here goes....I don't know what's the word, but I think I like girls like Ling, Joe. They somehow are "like" me. I need a dose of Damien Rice's "Cold Water" every night to calm me.

"Cold, cold water surrounds me now

And all I've got is your hand

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now,

Or am I lost?

Love one's daughter allow me that

And I can't let go of your handLord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

or am I lost?

oooo, I love you

Don’t you know I love you

And I always have

Hallelujah

Will you come with me?

Cold, cold water surrounds me now

Cold cold water surrounds me now

And all I've got is your hand,

Lord, Can you hear me?

Lord, can you hear me now?Lord, can you hear me?

Ahh...Am I lost with you?

Am I lost with you?

Am I lost with you?"

Everytime I listen to this song, the emotional blanket envelopes me as if I'm surrounded by cold cold water. And all I've got is myself, beer and cigarettes. Somehow I feel alcohol is my release, somewhere where I can find solace from within.

I should stop rambling perhaps...it's 3:45 am...

My Feelings 1.10.08

2008-10-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

Chris Daughtry is so relatable to me now. Nowadays, day and night, I can’t not tune into Daughtry’s songs. It talks about life and probably here I am over-analysing, which is so me. Right now, I’m in a frenzy state of mind at 1.55am in the morning. What’s left of me is a hermit who wanders around aimlessly in his soul-less body with Daughtry’s Home playing in the background. Jessica and Sam were kind enough to drop by to accompany me. They tried to crack jokes and were really nice to me. Somehow I just can’t relate to what they are trying to console me, bring to my comfort. I’m not exactly sad, but I think I’m more in search of my lost life. I’m kinda lost every night. I need something to empower me to get through it. Some may view me as a person with a psychological issue when I write this. Some like Joe totally understands what I’m trying to say. I can’t believe I nearly broke down in front of her today. The tears just came naturally. I just feel so sad that tears began to fill my eyes. It was a hard one holding it back and telling her that we should go upstairs and continue work. I love her more than anything in this world, for that I am glad I do. When I told her that I want her to know I still love her, as much as the first time I see her, I don’t know even what to type now readers. I’m just so in love with this girl. And when she said “Sorry” to me, I really can’t hold back my tears. When I see her face, I see joy. That’s what I see. God, I need another beer now. It’s gonna end with another sip. “Used to” by Daughtry is playing in my Realplayer now. Can’t really type anymore at 2.04am. Still loving you J.

My Feelings 29.9.08

2008-09-29T08:33:00.000-07:00

Background playing: [Babyface feat Kenny G-Everytime I Close My Eyes]

I first had a random encounter with this girl when I was smoking at the parking lot situated below my company. She was this tall, elegant-looking lass who obviously stands out from the rest. I just admired her from afar because the thought of approaching her with a “Hi, how you doing?” just sounds a bit too daring to me. She will always be dressed in long straight pants which show the length of her legs perfectly. Above all, her long straight hair and the fairness of her skin is what attract me most. I was secretly in love with her.

Chances has it that she appeared in a TV series which I managed to catch a glimpse of her out of the blue. And chances has it too that she is actually a friend in my friend’s Facebook list. By fate, we became acquaintances and led on to become a pair of lovebirds.

She has this love for food which I find incredibly cute and amusing. The thought of her smile and excitement everytime she sees food brings heartfelt pleasure to me. I would spend time just analyzing every part of her facial expression as she smiles. She would always ask me “Why do you smile at me like that?” Well, I guess she did not realize that deep down inside, I actually felt this indescribable happiness everytime I see her face.

The very first greeting that I got from her was “Haroo, is it you who added me on FB?”. I still remember the very first time we met. She was dressed in a black three quarter leggies with a striking pink blouse. Initially it was a meeting for some light snacks as she put it, but eventually it led on to Sakae Sushi. I still remember vividly the smile on her face when she told me that she’s of Japanese origin.

The following few nights were the happiest I haven’t experienced in a very long time. Watching Money No Enough was one of it. The nights where she introduced me to SS15 were a bundle of it. I still remember the words she came up with when I left my backpack in the car. She said “No brains one ah? Leave your backpack in the car, use your brain lah.” Haha, I laughed inside. It is really funny and comfortable hanging out with her.

It is true that two persons habit will become intertwined together if they hang out for some time. If there is one thing that reminds me of her, it’s definitely gotta be “Maggi Goreng”. Much to my surprise, for the days that come, Maggi Goreng actually became my favourite food. I even had that as takeaway during my weekends when I was alone. And I remember the first day we got together on Merdeka eve, we watched (sort of) fireworks in my room. If there is one song that reminds me of her, it’s gonna be Babyface’s “Everytime I Close My Eyes, which played for the whole night. And which I’m playing now, thinking of what she is doing right now.

She has this set of very cute rules that she wants me to adhere to. She would go like “Rule #1…..Rule#2….until Rule#8 or so”. She did not know that deep down inside, I find her really cute. And speaking about cute, let’s not forget the Sudoku game we had in front of GSC MidValley. That was really smart of her. And the Gelato ice-cream we had where I dropped my spoon from the 2nd floor. She actually dropped a fork the other day from a 2nd floor at a SS15 mamak as well.

Every now and then, she will complain and have some temper when she talks to me. There was once when we worked together in the office until 11:30 and she was having her PMS. She got abit agitated when I woke her up inside my car to ask for the directions. But then after she apologized. For me, I did not feel even a single bit of dissatisfaction towards her. Instead what I thought was her PMS, that she was having it and for her to work till such a god-forbidden hour, it must have been hard on her. That is how much I love her. I somehow feel that it is nicer to write this using a Malay word “saying”. It feels more intimate. Every moment that I see her, in my heart there’s just a feeling that tells me that I really do “sayang” this girl. I want the best for her.

There was once in Malacca when I saw this miniature set of cups that I thought of her. I wanted to buy her those as she likes it. However, due to it being not so exquisite and up to her taste, I decided not to. In other words, it’s kinda cheap stuff. I missed her every minute that she was in Bangkok.

Have you had that moment in your life (as a man) where you meet a girl and nothing else seems more important to you as she is the one you will want to love? She may not be the Miss Right, it’s not important, but she is definitely someone you wanna love with all your heart. You feel heartache when she is unhappy and the mere smile on her face brings infinite happiness throughout the whole of your day. This is what she does to me.

She is someone who makes me feel that finally I can be a better me. I actually felt that drinking may not be the only leisure I should have. That was the first time I derived comfort from just hanging out having some tea. That there is someone in future worth me making sacrifices for. I bet she certainly doesn’t know of this as I only told my best friend Joe about it. One night after gym, I was headed to Jusco foodcourt all by myself. As I sat down alone chewing on my wantan mee, a thought consumed me. It was so strong that it nearly brought me to tears. It’s that I’ve finally met this wonderful girl in my life but I’m bombarded with worries of not being able to provide enough for her. Those thoughts were reflected into strength in which I hunted non-stop for job opportunities. Here I am thinking that I don’t want to lose a girl as wonderful as she is, and I want to give her a good life in the future, which is probably why I feel so sad now.

I was walking through Giant just now and my heart was just consumed with this indecipherable sadness. What she told me today is just too heart-breaking. As I walked through the shopping mall, I peeked into Sakae Sushi at the place we sat to reminisce the memories. As I waded myself through the people walking around the mall, I felt so empty and even emptier by the noises around me.

Do differences between couples really matter? Every couples is bound to have differences, and it has made me realized that the differences we face is indeed a very minimal obstacle which should be overcome and not brushed aside. This is because the agony of her not being by my side is much more to handle than the mere thought of posting my tattoo-ed picture on the internet or concealing our relationship in public. The genuine, purest feeling that I feel for her, which is love overrides all these trivial obstacles.

Somehow, I’m not mad at her. I’m very sad and my heart felt it was slumped into a deep recession which is not going to rebound anytime soon. But astonishingly, I’m not mad at her. I kept thinking of her smile. The one month that we’ve spent together, every bit of it, means a lot to me. And because of that, trivial differences to be compromised are of little importance to me because I’m happy with her all the time.

It is saddening to know that all my plans for her are going to the drain. I bet she didn’t know about this too but when she was asleep on my bed on Saturday night, I was busy searching for nice places to dine in at food blogs. One such was this place called Full House at Ara Damansara. I was gonna bring her there the weekend after going back to Muar. And being a beach lover that she is, I’m actually planning for Bali trip on January, where I was criticized as she said “Who goes to Bali on January???November or December lah…..” But I understand she was a little grumpy having just woke up, so I’m fine with it. I really just want her to be happy, want us to be happy. This is a picture of Jinbaran I got from my friend. I can visualize how happy we are if I were to bring her there, having candlelit dinner on the seaside.

Jinbaran at Bali

I couldn’t say anything to her now that she’s so determined to make the final call to our relationship. Somehow I sensed that she is afraid of getting hurt again and that she is not so sure of what this is going to turn out. But I hope she can feel that what I have for her is real. It’s not something fake, which will go away anytime. Maybe she doesn’t understand that when I love her, I love her with all my heart. Lord, please give me some pointers as to how can I convince her that I’m really happy with her, that I am willing to sacrifice things just to be with her, willingly.

Having said that, as she is someone I love with all my heart, I’m going to prove to her that I’ll fight for her love. This is not something which I want it to end just like this. I hope you feel my love J. (Btw, lastly, I still find it cute when she wakes up during midnight everytime just to drink water from her purple bottle).

Art

2008-09-20T09:37:00.000-07:00

Background Playing [Cold Water by Damien Rice]

Is suicide a piece of artwork? Tristan Reveur [a fictional artist] from the movie "Stay" [2005] once said that "an elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art". He burned all his works before he committed suicide and killed himself at Brooklyn Bridge on his 21st birthday. That way, his final suicide would be the most elegant of all and it did not matter at all what his previous works are. It takes great minds like Tristan Reveur to come up with such a disturbing yet intriguing quote. Strong emotions must have flowed through one's mind and body to think of suicide as an art.

Chronologically, it would have taken the form of unhappiness-sadness-depression-absolute resignation of hope-deciding-strength-belief-final release. When a person attains what I like to call absolute resignation of hope, he decides on suicide. Strength is thus present to motivate and encourage the individual that his choice is a worthy one. Still, belief is the most important factor to trigger the final execution of the elegant act.

An art........the movie is filmed and directed in such a beautiful way it brought tears to my eyes on several occasions. It's beautiful yet sad. There is this part where the blind old doctor [Dr. Patterson] is miraculously healed by the suicidal teenager [Henry]. The amazement in his eyes when he sees things in life for the first time is just so heart-warming-being able to look at his watch and telling the time, "It's 11.33pm" to Sam. There's another quote in the movie where Dr. Patterson said to Sam "The world is an illusion". The world is indeed all but just an illusion. Most of the times, things are just surreal, phantamagoric. That kinda explains why people commit suicide in a way. What is there to lose if the world isn't real? It is actually a wise thing to do-wiser than the what the ordinaries would think of it is.

In this world we live in, what is the ratio of happy people to unhappy people? This is a very contradictory question. On one hand, I would like to think that most people are generally unhappy. On the other hand, I would find that most people are generally quite happy-judging from the happy faces and smiles I see everyday from these "fake" people. Or sometimes I categorise people into two groups -

1] The ordinaries who gets through their everyday lives with laughters and smiles-as if they do not have any worries and most importantly do not ponder on what life really is about

2] The extraordinaries who try to decipher the true meaning of life, psycho-analyse the beauty of it and to extract joy out of little details of life most ordinaries would have missed out. The 2nd group of people are mostly avid readers, writers, song-writers, philosophers and script-writers. They are able to come up with songs and movies that could bring audiences to tears.

Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah is such a powerful and beautifully written song that delivers a message about holding on to faith [and the way I see it, a man with a broken heart]. He drowned in the Mississipi River in the 1997. A part of his lyric goes:

"Well I heard there was a secret chord [1]
That David played and it pleased the Lord [2]
But you don't really care for music, do ya? [3]
Well it goes like this : [4]
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major

lift [5]
The baffled king composing Hallelujah" [6]

The 5th line caught my attention as he was referring to the chords F-G-Am-F. He is delivering the chords he was playing in words. It is clever the way that not only the chords line up in the lyrics and in the music, but also because the connotations themselves of "major" and "minor" add to the meaning of the song. The "fourth" is a major chord based on the fourth of the key Buckley is playing in. Likewise the fifth is the major chord based on the fifth tone of the key. The "Minor Fall" corresponds to Buckley playing a minor chord based on the sixth of the key. "Major Lift" corresponds to playing the major chord on the fourth again. In a separate part of the song, Buckley said that "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken Hallelujah". It is very beautifully written in the sense that love is not something to feel victorious about; it is more than that.

Brandi Carlile's "The Story" is yet another piece of art. In the lyrics, she describes the importance of having someone to tell your stories to in life. No matter how far you have been to, how great your achievements are, it is joyless unless you have someone to tell them to. Listen particularly to the part where her voice cracked. It is the best of all. Having found that soul-mate in life is the greatest blessing one could ask for-telling them about a road-trip you have just taken, the sunset you've just witnessed, the details, texture of the sky. It is all these little beautiful details that makes life beautiful, when you have someone to tell them to.

Irish songwriter-singer Damien Rice has an impeccable taste for music. His music brought tears to me on many occasions. A list of his work includes "The Blower's Daughter" from the movie "Closer", "Cold Water" from the movie "Stay" and "The Blower's Daughter Part 2". You will have to listen to his music closely to be able to feel the emotions he is feeling at that point of time. The emotions are very well-depicted in "The Blower's Daughter" video where he longs to love this girl but something comes in between them. And the part where the girl sings

"Did I say that I loathe you?

Did I say that I want to

Leave it all behind?"

is so beautiful yet sad.

This is a picture I took on a Friday night. Somehow it is filled with emotions for me. It looks peaceful and translates into having a sense of belonging to me. I feel joy just from looking at it. It's beautiful. It's an art.

Reminiscing Adelaide

2008-09-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

Adelaide is the capital city of South Australia. This is the place where I spent three and half years of my idling and just-brush-it-away life in. The first day I arrived in Adelaide, it was in the summer of 2004. It was a breezy 24 Celcius at 7 o’clock in the morning. I was greeted by a foreign ‘G’day Mate’ accent in which I had no idea what it was back then. A few days back, a very good friend of mine shared pictures of Adelaide with me which made me reminisce the times back then. It was really a good feeling being there.

A freezing 11 Celcius at the Strawberry Farm in Hahndorf, German settlement - Adelaide

Fairies in the garden living in straw houses in Hahndorf - Adelaide

A breezy summer morning - along the tramway in Victor Harbor - Adelaide

An antiquated photography shop in Hahndorf - Adelaide

Newsstand along Rundle Mall, Adelaide's busiest street - The Advertiser being Australia's biggest daily

Nightview of apartments facing the seaside at Glenelg Beach - Adelaide

Free Shuttle bus service, 99B & 99C along King William's Street - Adelaide

German leathersmith in Hahndorf - Adelaide

Charlie's Shack famous Vietnamese beef noodle in Chinatown - Adelaide

Challenging the Impossibilities of Life

2008-09-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

People are faced with self-defined impossibilities in life everyday. Disability is one road-block which often deters human beings from doing normal everyday tasks, let alone achieve something significant.

One extraordinary human being breaks the belief. Kevin Connolly, a 22-year-old Montana native is born without legs. He often gets stunned looks from the world as he propelled himself with his hands around on a skateboard. Despite his disability, he is an exceptional photographer who traveled around the world shooting images of people staring at him. To date, he has crossed boundaries across 15 countries and has gathered 32,728 priceless images. In order not to startle people, he places his camera near his hips and looks away from them while shooting their pictures. The quality of the pictures taken can be well-assured as Connolly has memorized frame shots even without looking at the targets. It took him 12 years to be able to completely memorize frame shots according to the positions of passer-bys. Direct sunlight is another deterrence for Connolly as he needs to position his camera in an upward 45 degree to capture those images. Often enough, it compromises the quality of the pictures taken. He overcomes this by looking for suitable spots such as areas with shades to photograph passer-bys. In addition, his digital SLR with 20x zooming ability eliminates all worries of not being to capture an image should it be too far from its perfect spot.

Recently, Connolly has successfully completed ‘The Rolling Exhibition” where his photos are displayed at the Kennedy Center, Washington DC for people to understand his unique work. The term “Rolling Exhibition” stemmed from the fact that Connolly endeavored around ‘rolling’ on a skateboard while taking pictures of curious on-lookers. It is indeed awe-inspiring for a disabled person to achieve such great accomplishments. When asked for his formula for success, Connolly humbly quoted two words, “willpower” and “determination”.

It is very easy for people to give in to life’s challenges but if there is one thing Connolly has taught us, it is to eliminate our self-defined constraints. Instead we should position our thoughts towards challenging the impossibilities in life in order to attain significant achievements. As Connolly put it, having a strong willpower to get things done coupled with absolute determination is the key towards achieving great results in life. We should rise above the ordinaries and make a mark for ourselves starting from now on.

Cigarettes

2008-07-25T03:43:00.000-07:00

[July 18th 12:30 a.m.]

Is there a moment in your life where those cancer-sticks suddenly become your best buddies? I question the logic behind it although the reason itself is already crystal-clear to me. At those times where work is a bitch, the disgruntled employee takes a puff, maybe two. A prostitute takes a puff after a session of serving those horny bastards. The chick with a curvy ass outside a mall puffed to exemplify her upper-society status. Dozens of bald accountants puff after cracking their heads crunching those god-damned numbers. That’s me, without the bald part though. I was actually embarking on a quitting program days ago. Health surprisingly became a concern to me. Breathing became easier too after cutting down. Surprisingly as I was feeling at my lowest tonight, the program was tossed to the back of mind and like those addicts above, reaching out for the stick was all I cared for. It was 11 p.m. and I had just finished my work. Without her SMS today, I was again lost in translation. The distance is killing me, again. Without any hope or agenda, I reached for my stick one after another straight after I stepped out from the office. As the wisemen said once, ‘there is always something to be gained, no matter how hopeless the situation is’. Although I felt lousy most of the times nowadays, I am more inclined towards writing a short passage everyday. It is something I look forward to after a long day of work, no SMS, diminished caring and you name it. Promises to call accompanied by delayed callings boosts my insecurity towards this relationship. I just had another 5 sticks in a chain. Quitting is only the beginning…

THE IDEAL WORKPLACE POLICY IN IBM

2008-07-25T03:42:00.000-07:00

I was at the lift with my colleague / good friend going down to get a cigarette. The work stress is seriously burning us from inside-out and it propelled us to come up with a new set of guidelines for our accounting department. It had come to both our attention that our Treasurer had just left the department and I should be taking over to make a major reorganization.

1) Ashtrays should be placed on every workstation and smoking should be made compulsory.
2) Cigarette expenses are claimable, up to two large packs per day.
3) Liquor will be allowed once every fortnight in the office.
4) Liquor expenses are also claimable, for the fortnight only though.
5) Time-off should not be restricted to quarter-closing only. Instead an employee should have 4 days of time-offs per month.
6) Vending machines should be equipped with shots of tequila, vodka or brandy.
7) Music should be allowed during working hour, as long as it is kept to a minimal level.
8) Below knee-length skirts are strictly not allowed for female workers. Needless to say, turtlenecks are a no-no. The keyword to adhere to is skimpy, as much as possible.
9) Employees should have the authority to delegate their work to managers, especially when it is related to clearing open items.
10) Last but not least, stop freezing http://www.friendster.com/ god damn it!

WHAT IF YOU HAD A GUN?

2008-07-25T03:40:00.000-07:00

[July 16th 2008 – 10 p.m.]

It’s amazing how human mood can change drastically in just a couple of hours. Moments after showering with cold splashing water down on my face, I felt a resurge of life, as if something divine has been breathed inside me. A bit of exaggeration maybe, for it wasn’t ‘that’ great after all. But nevertheless I did feel better after her phone call and ‘some’ activity. While I was showering, I knew I was at the bottom of the abyss as energy began to drain out of every possible openings of my body. I could feel it flowing out from my fingers. It then started its course of dripping when a certain amount had been drained dry. This was a feeling where you felt nothing above your eyes. Pupils began to contract. You feel your soul isolating itself from your body in a very slow manner. It was slow, but it was departing. The enthusiasm was faltering. The need to stay alive was wavering, to the point of diminishing. What if I had a gun? Why do people pull the trigger? Kurt Cobain, and many more followers. What does it guarantee? Does it bring you to another dimension where freedom from emotional distress of any kinds awaits? Will a combination of a perfect girlfriend with a perfect world free of miseries await on the other side? Let’s just say that the mystery surrounding committing suicide does not puzzle me as much as they did before when I was younger. Does anyone know ‘A Smile That Explodes’ by Joseph Arthur? Try listening to it and visualize my point above. Now that the mellow vibes are getting to me, I wouldn’t mind trying…

DISTANCE: DOES IT EVER WORK?

2008-07-25T03:38:00.000-07:00

[July 16th 2008 – 9 p.m.]

Continuing from the previous writing, here I am nearing the cliff of a relapse again. The distance between us sunk my heart to the bottom of the abyss, yet again. Sometimes I wonder if the mellow vibes I had been channeling my ears to contributed partly to this sorrow. The thought of support groups surfaced on my mind these few days. It came after years of watching Western movies, where support groups are the norm in their society. The thought of being able to express out my emotions daily, well mostly the negative ones anyway, brought partial relief and consolation to me. At least, it may serve to patch up the invisible wounds inflicted upon me by myself all these years. I was traveling through my condominium’s lift where a girl stood beside me. For a moment, I tried to associate my plight with hers, having the assumption that she was a lonestar too just like I am. It did bring a millisecond of relief to my depressed self until the lift door opened. Her boyfriend was there waiting for her with a box of Domino’s pizza. There they were, a pair of lovebirds swinging hands happily marching towards their unit. Appetite was not my concern tonight. Having had just a plate of fried rice during lunch, I felt absolutely no sense of hunger. Eva Cassidy was playing before, but then suddenly ’30 Seconds to Mars – The Kill’ caught my eye in the folder I was rummaging through. Well, I thought maybe I needed rock. And suddenly the thought of popping those pills appeared again in my confused state of mind. There is a battle ensuing from within, on whether to yet again resort to such temporary measures. Damien Rice once said ‘this has got to die, this has got to stop’. I had better go for a shower now and forget about the pills.

Contradiction That Was Quite Certain

2008-07-25T03:33:00.000-07:00

[July 14th 2008 – 12 a.m.]

I was alone in TGV watching Hancock. People were all either twins, triplets or quadruplets. I was alone there, managed to pinpoint a N11 out of the vast cinema. The seat was perfect, for no one was beside me, right or left. It occurred to me that most people are incapable of handling the idea of watching a movie alone. Anyone caught doing that would be stamped with labels ranging from a lonestar to a depressive, or even worse an anti-social bastard. Yet I decided against all the labeling, kept my composure and sank into my seat N11. Being there alone enabled my mind to levitate across numerous dimensions, beyond the prevalent one in which we are all trapped in everyday. It made me realize a few portentous thoughts about life. That some people like me are destined to lead a solitary life. Companionship of any kind has always failed to satisfy my innermost desire to own something or someone. Unfortunately, companionship in the form of friends will never satisfy this kind of desire. There is always an empty sphere waiting to be filled. Can one person truly understand another person completely? Couples? I doubt so. And so the linkage from the first thought led me to contemplate that an individual must not be feeling-dependent on another individual in any way. In my lexicon of love, speaking from previous experiences, lovebirds have every right to be feeling-dependent on each other. Passion is brought out that way. Any attempt to restrain the dependency with excuses such as ‘nothing is certain in this world’, ‘even married couples get divorced’, and ‘friends are there for life whereas lovers come and go’ will only make a relationship bureaucratic. Love is a process where feelings must be fully extracted from both parties for it to be fulfilling. Lovers should be fully feeling-dependent on each other to be able to completely garner the nectars of love.

A Mixed Wednesday Night

2008-06-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

The scene was melancholic. He had just hurried from work to get a drink in a pub. The name’s Dave’s Deli Pizza. It served beer apart from pizzas, to clear the confusion. As he entered the place, it was like New Year’s eve. It was crowded with people. Three professional-dressed Westerners were at the bar, relaxingly sipping their freshly brewed Hoeergarden. Manchester United was playing against Liverpool on the LCD hung up on the wall. A debate was going on between the three, at times arguing as to who will win the match. Straight opposite as he entered, a couple was there, exchanging jokes, laughing and hitting each other softly, couldn’t care less about what’s happening around them. It’s as if they were the only beings left in this world. He eyed for a seat less crowded, the one right back of the pub, so that he could feel less concentrated on things….or people around him. He needed that, to just relax. Just right in front of him was another couple, she of Japanese descent; he of American. She had slanted eyes, the likes of a Japanese, tanned skin the likes of a life-saver on Baywatch, dilated pupils as if the alcohol itself had consumed her. He, on the other hand was wearing a pair of Quiksilver shorts, a beige T-shirt; a typical American with unshaven beard. He was in his early 30s. Loving couple, love is in the air. Rain poured from upon the sky, raindrops occasionally splashing on his mobile which was placed on top of the table. It was a cool 25 degrees…maybe…in a humid country like Malaysia. It was a very peaceful evening for him…innerly. A serene setting where he sat there sipping his beer…alone…checking for messages at times on his mobile. That night, he had decided to go alone, despite the friends and colleagues he could had asked out. What was on his mind? I couldn’t keep asking, what could make someone go drink alone? I couldn’t resist to ask. He said “It’s all about being alone”. He further elaborated that it was about focusing on yourself for a short moment of time…to be detached from the world so crowded we live in everyday. He quoted ‘Mitch Albom’ on 'Tuesdays at Morrie’ for that.

“Why do you need that man? Why didn’t you find someone else to drink with you?”

He said, “Well..”, he laughed “I’m not sick my friend, I think it all has to do with love.”

“Yea, makes sense, but how?”, I asked.

He inhaled his cigarette, paused for a few seconds, and then he said, “You know…in the end, it’s all about love. Ultimately, everyone needs and wants to love and to be loved. Our society had brainwashed us to think that looks is a requirement for love. Ugly girls are brushed aside no matter how perfect their personality is. Ugly and poor guys are even worse. They are defeated twice. Like myself, I’ve met this really cool girl with a cool personality but she’s not pretty. I think twice. That’s the way we have been conditioned to think my friend. To penetrate through that invisible yet harmful ‘glass’, you have to look deep inside yourself and ask ‘What do I really want?’ “

Im trying. He said. And I have been trying hard.

As we were talking, he kept checking on his mobile for messages. Looked busy! I couldn’t help but asked who was he waiting for. He said…”Friends..you know”. I stopped asking. Suddenly he put the receiver over my ears and I heard an automated machine reply saying in Mandarin, ”This is an answering machine, please leave your message after the ring tone. The owner will contact you shortly”. Though I was a million puzzled, I didn’t ask. He lifted up his mug of beer and sipped.

Ahhh…he said…long day at work.

Yea…that’s life. I said…hoping he would satisfy my curiosity on the automated voice machine.

He kept sipping, now lighting up his cigarette.

I broke the silence “So…man…who was that?” I gave him a very puzzled look, the kind where I wouldn’t leave without getting an answer.

Have you been such a busybody all your life? He looked at me, grinning.

Oh cmon man. I said.

“My ex”, he said, “you know the one back in college. It’s the one thing I’ve been wanting to do for 6 years since I last heard from her – to call her – but I didn’t for 6 years.

“Something held me back. It’s been so long I’m not sure anymore what held me back. But at times, I just wish I could know if she’s doing alright, if she’s still alive. Man I wouldn’t know after so many years. She could no longer be alive, who knows.”

Give her a call then man, what the hell? I said.

Yea, that’s what I’m doing now, you blind? What’s the matter with you?

We both laughed.

“You see man, it’s not that I still love her, she could probably be married now. It’s because she was the most passionate love I’ve ever had. Apart from her, I’ve never had anything close. I’m still searching, yearning for the ‘one’ to come by. That’s what makes me still alone. I couldn’t settle for average. Some interpreted it as being too choosy. Well, we all have standards, benchmark you know”.

Yea I guess so. Deep in my heart, I couldn’t agree more. The one most passionate love in your life, ‘vena vidi vici’ (I came I saw I conquered). The ‘one’ conquered us. But then they left. Left us in a daze. Wishing we will wake up again. To walk ourselves out of the maze.

Well………………..he continued, “It gets lonely sometimes my friend, being alone and sometimes I think to just settle for someone, but then when that moment comes, I can’t.

It must have been hard on you pal, I said.

You bet.

So, tonight the talk is all about love.

It was a nice night. 8 mugs of beer all together.

Quote of the day (from Allen) : Frown not, despair not, worry not, for EVENTUALLY, everything will be alright.

Something funny

2008-06-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

I read something in the paper today which would be interesting to share. This goes to show how stupid and funny some people can be:

Duo charged for corpse abuse

Houston: Authorities in Texas have filed corpse-abuse charges against two men who allegedly removed a skull from a grave and used it as a bong. One of the men allegedly told police they dug up a grave in an abandoned cemetery in the woods, removed a head from a body and smoked marijuana using the skull as a bong. Police believe the grave is that of an 11-year-old boy who died in 1921.

Quote of the day

2008-06-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

This is one of the most interesting quote I've ever heard. It's from a movie 'The Flight of the Phoenix':

"A man needs someone to love in his life,

If you can't give him that, give him something to hope for,

If you can't give him that, give him something to do."

If a man don't even have something to hope for in his life, at least give him something to do. That will take his mind off how hopeless he is.

Any Alicia Keys fans out there?

2008-06-29T11:22:00.000-07:00

After paying my car ticket at Giant, walked out, Pearl Drops Whitening Teeth toothpaste in my Watsons' bag, Julie's biscuit in my Giant's bag, walking towards my car. Started the engine, Alicia Keys playing..Like You'll Never See Me Again...thoughts began playing in my mind. As I drove out with Alicia Keys playing softly in the background, I think, same life Allen, knocked off at 7-ish, come out from Giant, driving on Persiaran Bandar Utama, waiting at the traffic light at Centrepoint, back home to Riana Green. I don't know if it's good or bad. Sometimes boredom creeps in, but like today, I felt relaxation. Something I've never felt for so long. I felt mellowness-but in a good way. Slow, chill-out,mellow kind of feeling as if Im having Erimin. People like me do not know how to relax and be calm. So that moment of calmness I felt is a bliss. Just so relaxed I do not have to bother about anything else. So it occurs to me, as Alicia Keys is still playing that I need to come home and write this entry for my blog-(of course I burnt Alicia Keys into my laptop first,playing it now to give me the inspiration to write).

My personal recommendation of her repertoire of songs:

1) Like You'll Never See Me Again

2) If I Ain't Got You

3) Lesson Learned (featuring John Mayer)

4) The Thing About Love

5) Prelude to a Kiss

6) Superwoman

Oh yea and please top that list up with this:

7) The Trouble With Love Is - Kelly Clarkson

I personally think that people use a cover everyday to tell the world how to see them. Or a mask if you would like it. They are telling the world to see them they way they want to be seen, not what they are. It's not wrong really, I am like that too. I just would like to use this as a topic for this blog, sub-topic? Yea sub-topic. You see, forget the names. This person I know, she told me she doesn't like hanging out with people. She said being alone is cool and that she is OK with going solo. But the truth is she has been afraid all her life to interact with people as she does not know how to. Well, a mask again. It's not wrong though, to protect herself.
I recently went to a doctor. He said I have phobic anxiety. The trouble with me is I just can't feel at home in the world. Do you know how tormenting it is for people like us? A bit of statistics here: 30 million Americans suffer from this kind of phobic anxiety. So the solutions? There is an abundance really,

1) Anxious To Please by James Rapson & Craig English

2) Psychologist (who will prescribe you some drugs to relieve anxiety)

Well, I asked for Erimin-5 at first, but the doctor said no-no. He gave me the anti-anxiety pills instead. It does help, calms me down, makes my mood mellow. God-damned isn't it? I never thought that I would be going to a doctor for this kind of consult. But as they say, as you age you tend to believe and accept more in things that you don't when you were younger.
And since Im writing this blog, there is something I have to get off my chest. That is the healthy way, as many psychologists I read from said. Now, you see, the problem is this moron has been bugging me for quite some time at work. Technically, I would consider myself being sexually-harassed emotionally; physically occasionally. Now, I've been real harsh to her by giving her the cold shoulder hoping that she will get the message. But instead, it seems like her persistence somehow can be likened to Gabriel the Arc Angel who just wouldn't back off. On occasions, she would get real close to me as if she wants skin contact with me. And on occasions, she would show some idiotic smiling face to me hoping that I would joke back at her and hitting my hands playfully sometimes. Here's the best part, she lashes out at me when I rejected her invitation to a date. Terrific isn't it? Im still trying to figure out where did that come from. Ha! And now she wants to go to gym with me. Intrusion of privacy is one thing she does not seem to comprehend from her years of life (intruding my private life so as we talk). The notion of "We're only colleagues, not even friends" is another piece of theory she failed to absorb, which is truly sad I think. This is the last time I am going to tolerate her nonsense so as we speak. Readers, how would you feel if someone puts her face say just 5cm from you when she talks to you? Frankly, there should be a distance even between friends. By doing that, she disgusts me. Even more Im pissed because it gives me added unneccesary pressure everyday at work. I have to constantly be on my guard when she's around, for fear that when I turn around, I may kiss her face. Readers again, can anyone tell me how should I deal with her? Opinions will be greatly appreciated really. Really, I would have treated her like any other person in the office if she didn't behave that way towards me. Look at that girl in Services, I know she likes me, well, I heard and sensed, but she never acted in a way that made me feel pressured. So Im cool with her. Anyway, one last time and Im gonna put my words into action and she will be wiped out once and for all.

Hmm infatuation or love? No one can say for sure, can they? For most people, if it doesn't turn out the way they want it to be, they say it's only infatuation, and that the feeling goes off after a while. If it happens that both clicked, he says it's love and it's so strong he will love her for the rest of his life. Ha! Funny isn't it? Tell me this is not true, whoever is reading this. You can't deny it. People just want things the easy way. Ohh I haven't been in love for so long Im just quite numb to this kind of thing. I met some really nice friends recently, Wai Peng, Kelly, Icey, Lian, and my very good brother Heng. He's like Christian Troy to me, Sean Mcnamara I am hypothetically.

Alright, guess that's about it for now. Gotta take a puff outside now, carry some weights and call my mother. Can't wait to move in my new home. Till next time.

Love Actually...........

2008-06-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

Marky has been in love with Juliet ever since. But Juliet is married to Marky's best friend, James. The beauty of it is that Juliet actually doesn't know about this and had thought that Marky was gay all along, reason being he acted unfriendly towards her most of the time. On the couple's wedding, Marky was the photographer and videoman. And he actually turned down Juliet's requests a few times to watch the wedding video. One day, on the pretext of offering donuts to him, she managed to get her hands on the video. To her surprise, the video captured all her images instead of the marriage. My, that was love buried deep down in the heart. On Christmas eve, this is actually what happens:

Knock on the door and Juliet opens. The streets are brightly lit with neon lights and houses were decorated with Christmas trees and presents. Chrismassy, love is in the air...
Juliet: Oh, Hi!
Marky turns on his stereo lightly playing 'Silent Night'. He stood in front of Juliet and looked her straight in her eyes. On his hands were about 8 to 9 big white cardboards the length of a man's chest. Still looking into her eyes, he held up the first cardboard with the words 'WITH ANY LUCK NEXT YEAR'. Juliet is puzzled. The other cardboards go like this as he showed it one by one to her...
2nd: I'LL BE GOING OUT WITH ONE OF THESE GIRLS...
3rd: PICTURES OF JENNIFER ANISTON, CLAUDIA SCHIFFER, MONICA BELUCCI.
She laughed...the carol continues...
4th: BUT FOR NOW...LET ME SAY...
5th: WITHOUT HOPE OR AGENDA
6th: JUST BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS
7th: (AND AT CHRISTMAS YOU TELL THE TRUTH)
8th: TO ME YOU ARE PERFECT
Juliet was stunned for a moment. Her facial expression exhibited emotions of being loved, thankful, appreciative and most of all touched. She hadn't thought that he is so in love with her. Marky continues with the cardboards.
9th: AND MY WASTED HEART WILL LOVE YOU
10th: UNTIL YOU LOOK LIKE THIS...
11th: PICTURE OF AN OLD, WRINKLED WOMAN

She laughed again...He made her laughed.
And the last cardboard shows the words: 'MERRY CHRISTMAS'.
At that point, with tears in her eyes, Juliet uttered 'Merry Christmas' back to Marky too. There were so much emotions involved. Marky knowing that he can only love her deep inside his heart forever. And Juliet can only be appreciative of such a sweet guy since situation does not allow more than that.

Marky smiled back to her, packed up his stereo, cardboards and said goodbye. Just when he was ten steps away from the door, Juliet rushed over and pulled him by his coat. She gently planted a kiss on his lips and with one last look into his eyes, said 'Thank you' and hurried back home. Marky sighed for not being able to love her but said to himself 'Enough...that's more than enough...' He's contented though, with a kiss from the woman he loves most. Who doesn't?