My Life Only Begins at Night.......

[CURRENT MUSIC: TIESTO,MIKO MUZAIK]

Tiesto Miko Muzaik. It's so damn hallucinating. I've just snorted four lines of K, like the picture. and something else. My life begins only at night. That's where I find pleasure. Just listening to Tiesto and in the famous words of Tiesto's opening as always "take you into a trip into the indefinable something something,,,"

Well, it's all good if you know what I'm saying. But the K thing lasts too short. 45 min max. Can't get coke in Malaysia though. Anyway I still think E is the best. Gonna get my supply tomorrow. The rush, the adrenaline rush is just out of this world.

I've been having lots of things in my life lately. When I'm lonely I'm lonely all alone. Then when some perfect candidates come, they come in two or three. I mean God, couldn't you just apportion it? Say give me one now and one maybe later? Not all in one go , you know what I'm saying?

Anyway, I met this Stph Nie Nie today. OMG, i mean she is just so sweet. Her gestures everything. And then she msg-ed me too, in quite a friendly way. Am I over-guessing things like always? Or I don' t know. And now there is YSR. She is smoking hot too. But Stph is very comfortable to hang out with.

And I mean she's in the wedding dinner of her friend's but she still msg-ed me. I mean we msg-ed and it's good. All in all, I've got a good day today.

Ok Shit, now the pills are kicking in. Shit but these shits are really short-lived. E is the best cos it maintains for quite some time.

Whoever you reading this, don't judge or even critisize my post or lifestyle. Respect that everyone has his / her own lifestyle. And frankly I don't need someone to tell me how to live my life. Except two persons, my mother and the woman I love. which of course I haven't met yet.

Oh God, this effect is really kicking in. Feels bit floating now. Now today after TGIF we went for a tea session at Secret Recipe. It was real cool, cos we could relaly connect. And the thing is I love her smile, she is so sweet. OMG.

And I'm glad one of my colleagues we smiled today. She must be thinking I'm some snobbish asshole who thinks I'm all that. In fact I'm not. I'm just not a person who warms up easily. It takes time. I really wanna say to to this colleague of mine with the name starts with "C", I have nothing against you, it's just that I'm not comfortable with noises and groups gathering around me gossiping. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

All in all, I don't want to limit my expectations. Good is always good.

But I like her, I really do. Pretty, thrifty, good girl. looks pretty. Initially we wanted to go to Starbucks but she said, don't drink something so expensive. At that point, I know she is a good girl. And her smile my god, I can't stop looking at her. Wanna lock my lips with hers.

I just took another half pill. Cos I can feel the kick is coming in, and i wanna exemplify it. Cool right? Can't wait for my E tomorrow.

Whoever is reading this, don't judge me just because I take drugs. I live my life. Who doesn't want a happy life? There are lots of things that you guys have that I don't.

I love Tiesto!! Trance!! All these RNB shits, ok I mean I love RNB too. But more to trance. I would love to go to Europe one day. Ibiza. And get the hard trance thing. If I strike lottery, I'll do an all expense paid trip for my friend to join me to Ibiza. especially Visnu, the party king. And Ijai, he's my really good friend. I know I dont' really talk much. I'm not comfortable with people staring at me. But with Ijai, we can talk all shit. He's truly my brother. And Visnu too.

And about my colleague, the one whose name starts with "C", she's a nice girl, I just sometimes am having my own problems and I don't like staring at her cos I know I'll have a long face. But unfortunately it leads to her thinking I'm snobbisih maybe. I plan to let her know that I'm in fact not. She's a nice girl really :) And I'm really sorry if I've caused her any inconvenience.

This is my life I'm writing tonight. And I feel happy today. I really do. Maybe part of it is because of Nie Nie. I really like talking to her, and her smiles and everything.

Hoping.......................

[CURRENT MUSIC: NORAH JONES: TURN ME ON]

What am I hoping for? A picture speaks a thousand words. Love, of course. Just try to imagine the mood I'm in, factor in the music I'm listening to, dim lighting, with a hope in my heart.

The power of internet, I must say, is amazing. After countless tries combined with the SET software, and my friend Jai's somewhat unclear hint, I managed to find her on FB!! Well, it certainly took quite an amount of effort. SET here and there, by floor, by last name, FB, Friendster and at last.....at last by chance of an instinct, I yahoo-ed her and appeared an online boutique where her name was there. And so I clicked but still nothing was there. Now thank god for the creating the World. Hence human, hence the internet. And hence the power of sharing blogs with FB. And with a click which links to FB, there she is!

After months and months of staring in the lift, and the unclear glance my friend Jai had on her tag, now I know her name. Hehe am i happy!

Well, Allan K. Chalmers once said, "The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

I guess that is what I'm lacking. I don't even have something to hope for in my life. Ain't that pathetic? And I've been shutting myself from love too much until finally I feel I can't take it anymore. This time around, I think I'll give it a go, my whole go, no matter if it's gonna work out or not, regardless if she's already attached or not. The key word is "try". Never try never know.

I want to feel alive. Feeling alive doing something passionately. Hoping for something passionately. We saw each other again today at MyNews. I could almost caught her taking a glance at me too. The whole day was so dull for me but that moment when I found her name online made me feel good, and I'm still feeling good. Hehe.... I know this may sound corny but there's a line I picked up from "Harold & Kumar". "These 10 seconds I have in the lift with you everyday, it's the best time of my day". Of course I'm not going to say these to her, no....haha. That won't be a very successful pick-up line. So what should I say? "Hey, u wouldn't happen to have an online boutique would ya?" Now that sounds good, yea I think so. But first of all of course, smile to her, smile to her. I mean my online master has been stressing this point to me over and over again.

In the famous words of Derek Lamont, "Smile! Smile to the lady. I cannot stress how important this often ignored gesture is to leaving a good impression in womans' hearts."

Now, seriously, everyone who knows me knows how long I've been shutting myself out from this thing called love. All I do is not get serious and flirt around. And frankly, I'm quite tired of that already. So, this time I'm going to give it my best effort and take a shot at it. For that, God I know I'm not really a believer but bestow upon me some luck to make this happen. :)

Now I guess today's a good post. And I can go to sleep with some hope in my heart, smiling. Hope is what keeps us going. Without it, we're as good as dead... :)

Look For A Star

[CURRENT MUSIC: BEAUTY AND THE BEAST]

I just finished watching this movie "Look For A Star". It's a lazy Sunday night, basically doing nothing other than being a permanent couch-potato, day-by-day.

The sillier you are, the happier you are...when it comes to love anyway. Like kids for instance, if they like something they like. If they don't they don't. They're simple, direct, outright. Unlike us adults, we think too much. We weigh the consequences to every situation. We do a cost-benefit analysis to every scenarios.

So the story goes. At first it was Vivian which I talked to the other day, telling me to not really set my expectations so high and to love for the moment. When it comes grab it, think too much and there you are alone again. At that time, I thought to myself "Ahh what bullshit, how could a 20 yr old like know know better than me?" But then today this movie I watched reinforces what she said in my mind. Maybe it's true that I'm constantly expecting for better ones that I'm still alone, feeling lonely most of the time and unhappy.

So now there's one presented in front of me. Should I go for it? Because I've already started weighing the good and bad points. I've started laying out the cost-benefit analysis. And so what made me think if I should go for it is why do I care so much really? It might not even last. Just go for the heat of the moment thing. After all how long do we all live? Right? What I'm talking about is really a fundamental change in me. If I go for it this time, I will have a real fundamental change in me, not be so fussy and have so high expectations. But it could be good you know? Maybe that's the key to my happiness.

Let's just see how it goes.......

Complete Isolation from the World

[Current Music: Robin Thicke: Sweetest Love]

I think I've reached the peak of my depression. I've totally isolated myself from the world. Last 4 days of Hari Raya holidays made it worse. I was really all alone. No interaction with any human at all.

My life is like I wake up at 2pm, turn on Astro, channel 705, at least those R&B clips made me happy, laze around, take a bath, go out to the nearby Damansara Perdana to takeaway a pack of pathetic food, come back home, ate, later on watch some DVD i bought, and the watch even more movies, and came evening, start my gym duties, and come night.

This is my favourite part of the day. I start to switch off all lights, only leaving the orange dim table lamp lit. Then again I turn on channel 705 and let those R&B plays. I love those caps they wear.

And then here is the fun part. I lay out my collection of stash on the table. And I choose which one to take.Pills, amphetamine, ketamine, liquor. Last Friday I snort ketamine alone. And started talking to complete strangers on IRC telling them how lonely my life is. And I started talking to Bee too. She knows I'm on drugs.

I'm thinking of getting weed tomorrow from Azrin. I told him I wanted to get heroin and he said I'm horrible. Yea I don't know. No, I know, I don't know what else to do.

I spent 1k last wednesday on drinks out the girls.378 in Library. 338 in Sanctuary. and 200 for the damages I did in Sanctuary. And nobody actually thanked me for it. It pisses me off. When everybody goes out to drink I pay, but there is not even a single thank you. Fuck them all.

Friends keep asking me out. Kevin asks me out. Vting asks me out. But somehow I push them away. I isolate myself. But when I isolate myself I'm not happy. Cos I'm lonely.

Today, I didn't even go to work on the pretext of I'm sick because I took pills last nite and it made me completely blur this morning. I have start to even fuck up my work. Look at the picture of this post. I'm exactly like him now.

I know I definitely need to work tomorrow. So I can't get stoned. So I just took one shot neat of whisky. That's the least I can take. I can't stand soberness anymore. It's killing me. Every night, every fucking night I need some stash. I've even already planned what's coming this Friday night. Cos I know I'll be very very very lonely myself and I would die from it. Hopefully I could get some weed cos the effects are longer. Hell, I'll smoke myself to heaven if i have to.

Something's wrong with me? I know. Who wants to be like this? I don't know what's wrong with me. I've got my own whole place now, but it seems like I'm just getting lonelier and lonelier. Even people who msg-ed me on MSN, I don't bother to reply. I think that people don't like me and I don't like people as well. Sometimes when that girl from 8th floor smiled at me, I felt a sudden surge of esctacy, like someone noticed me. someone cares to look at me.

Then I saw that bitch Jacklyn posting her couple picture with the caption, something special. When she was with me, she said that she wasn't the showy type. She wouldn't wanna post our picture on FB. but then now I saw it. And I'm damn pissed off. It's like I've been conned. It's like I'm inferior. What the fuck man :( It makes me real sad and down. Am I really so unappreciated? What do I lack that she has to do that? I've treated her every possible loving way I could. And this is what I get?

And then I saw on FB every posts msg-es of happiness from those 4 days holidays. Bali, back from Singapore, had a happy holiday. And why can't I have that? Why am i all alone in my condominium? The only person I do not hate now is Nicholas. Even though he's very sweetly in love with his gf, he still cares for me. He calls and knowing I'm not alright, he thinks about me.

And then there is Joelyn. I really miss her at times. Sometimes out of nowhere at night, I think of our drinking session, how happy I was hanging out with her. And I wonder why is it that I never see her online anymore. Any idiot would've guessed that she blocked me. I guess our last speech where I lashed out at her really pissed her off. But never thought she would just block me like that.

Ahh. seriously I don't know what can I do with my life anymore. I'm constantly on drugs cos that's the only release I can find. I googled last nite on the effects of heroine which says it's really addictive. That's what stops me. But I don't know. I may try it one day or soon I don't know.

Right now, I just hope to get my weed supply tomorrow so that I will feel better on Friday.

Why Does It Hurt So Bad...Why Do I Feel So Sad

Current Music: [Whitney Houston - Until You Come Back]

At 9:20 p.m.

I'm drinking fine whisky, courtesy of my generous housemate, puffing Salem, and talking to Joe on MSN while directing my ears towards Whitney Houston's melodic voice. Nowadays, my hands shake for no apparent reason, mild shaking though. Is it because of excessive drinking? The first sip of my whisky tasted ewwww, it's so hard. I always wonder why do people like hard liquor anyway? I had it neat though, trying to imitate the movies when they always had a big gulp down. But after one glass, it feels better.

At 7:00 p.m. [ an hour earlier ]

Let's take a peek into my life, not that anyone is interested. After all, I'm just a pathetic 9-5er. I have a drinking problem. When we were young, we always thought that alcohol was cool. It's a brand we like to tag ourselves to. It's one of the few things we can claim to own, that it's ours. The same goes for cigarettes. It isn't necessarily the same when it becomes an addiction. I have a drinking problem and it's bad. And it's mostly attributed to emptiness that I drink. An abysmal misery, that's how I like to term my condition at 7:00 p.m. I wish this invisible envelope that wraps me up will just go away and disappear.

My vision was in a blur just now. I couldn't see anything in front of me. There was a obscure blurriness that prevents me from seeing things clearly. I walked into One World's hotel lift pressing 16th floor, which of course was my mistake. And then I scurried across One Utama without my soul being present. People were walking around me in an orderly fashion. They all looked alert and at ease with themselves. It came to a point where I almost did not know where I was or what I was doing. The only thing recognizable to me was my destination, to the carpark to get my car.

The whisky bottle at home was the only thing in my mind. The only thing. I couldn't think of anything else except that. Nevertheless, I headed towards a restaurant, sat down and consumed a plate of tasteless vermicelli. It was tasteless not because it was not delicious, because I lost my taste buds. It was really just a tool to fill up my stomach at that point of time.

Laughters, laughters, laughters, that's all I ever hear everyday, you know? Happy faces, happy faces, happy faces, that's all I ever see everyday, you know? I'm sick of hearing laughters and seeing happy faces. People tell me I'm an emotion extremist. It was never within my control. I'm always a slave to it. When I'm happy, I go beyond the sky and when I'm sad, I fall into an immeasurable abyss.

Problems, problems, problems, that's all I ever get everyday, you know? Emptiness, emptiness, emptiness, that's all I ever feel everyday, you know? Mom actually went and told Sis that I do not think of her as a family because of the money issue. Gosh, does she think that actually helps the situation? My father called me last night explaining to me that abandoning us isn't really what he wanted. My mother try to make it sound like it's my fault that I hadn't do anything for my father all this time, despite the fact that she always tells me my father sides with the other side. Any my sister sounded disappointed upon learning I do not treat her as a family. I could not take it anymore!! I just shut off everything and went off work. What's happening to me? What should I do?

Have the thought of suicide ever crossed your mind? The writing pad I bought just now had a new purpose. A enamored thought crossed my mind asking me to use it to write my suicide note. I would pass it to a few important persons to me in this world. Or write a will. Hand it to a few persons in my life. I first had suicidal thoughts in 2005 when I was in Australia. Things were so overwhelming. I was in the shower on day for 30 minutes with water splashing down my head and I thought that's it. It's time. It resurfaced many many times after I came back to Malaysia. It's not the location, it's me. I don't have the courage though. At times, I felt really hopeless and weak the thought crossed my mind, but I don't think I would be courageous enough to pull it off. But one day if I really do it, I'll be hugging 'Blink', one of the few things I want to remember in my life or in my afterlife. Sometimes after reading, I hug it to sleep close to my chest. It's something which I can fantasize that she's mine, that she's close to my heart. Every now and then, I open the book to read the greeting she wrote me. It still feels warm, like it's yesterday.

As if my problems are not enough, I found some irregularities in my hearbeat last Friday. It freaked me out and I reduced my addiction to two sticks on Saturday. Maybe it's because of excessive smoking. Maybe it's because of excessive drinking. Either way, God please don't take those two away from me. They are the two things in this world which at least I can proudly claim to be mine. I actually hope I meet someone in life who's in my situation, so that I can relate to him or her. Everyone seems to think I'm asking for it, that I deserved it because I'm negative. Haha, if anyone could be happy, wouldn't they want it?

Thomas Jefferson quoted in his speech on the Declaration of Independence that "We hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable; that all men are created equal and independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

The pursuit of happiness... Maybe even in Jefferson's time, he has come to realise that happiness is something that we can only pursue. It's elusive in nature, something that we can only pursue but never will be able to get.

My sickness is really getting to me. It's affecting my work, my relationship with colleagues, friends and everyone including my family. Most of the time, I don't know what can I do anymore to save myself, which is why I immerse myself in booze and cigarettes all the time. First it was cigarette, then it was beer. Then it's hard liquor. When is drug coming into the equation? It freaks me out that drugs will eventually come into the picture, and it freaks me out even more that when I'm done with drugs, suicide is next, when eventually there is nothing else more left to turn to. All these things, booze, cigarettes and drugs are really something to cover up my miseries.

I went to MPH today and read a gift book entitled "Love Book". It has quotes on love from famous poets around the world. There's a quote that says "every human has a basic need. they want to know someone is wondering what time they will be home tonight". I don't have that. I've hard really bad days recently. I just do not know what to do with my family anymore. Everything is so surface between me and my sister. In my younger years, I used to think people who comes home after work drinking whisky is cool. After all, he or she is a young professional urbanite ain't it? But now I know it's not. I'm the person now. Listening to Josh Groban's "Rememeber When It Rained" now, the phrase "running down...running down..running down contantly playing, I had smiles in my face and frowns in my heart at the same time.

It's near, it's near...the days of leaving this world...one day when I can't take it no more and if I have the sudden courage. I just hope for a miracle. Or I need a shrink...

Songs...songs and songs...

Current Music [Babyface: I Only Think Of You On Two Occasions]

I only think of you on two occasions, that's day and night....................

Today is gonna be the day where I post my crappiest post ever. For I do not know what it is that should be written. I do not know what should be written or rather say there are a lot of things that I dare not write here. I finally did it. Beers are out of fashion now for me. Not strong enough for my thoughts apparently. Now I'm doing whisky...at home. Finally felt that beer at Dave's is not gonna give me what I want.

On a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of tipsiness, the rank is on 7 now. I really need to write but I'm holding a lot and a lot of things back. I've just had two straight shots. Damn, that's what I'm talking about. Now I'm feeling something. Now I can write. Don't get me wrong, I do not enjoy this. Anyway whoever the reader is, you can forgive me for whatever rubbish I spout out tonight as you know, it's mostly on whisky. On the other hands, you could take me seriously for the whisky might bring out lots of hidden agendas.

I've gotta change the song list first. Yea, Brandi Carlile is playing now. These stories don't mean anything if you don't have anyone to tell them to huh? But let me ask you this question. What if you've always got someone to tell your story to, and suddenly the story you're gonna tell is something you can't tell this person? How'd that feel huh? Cool right? Totally man. Defense is really paper thin. For I feel so damn weak here energy is draining out my veins.

Alcohol, I'm sorry wanted to say something about alcohol, but I just broke down. I hope this will make me feel better. I'm questioning my life, my fate, my luck, everything.Finally, I broke down after all these suppressed emotions.

Today in the bus for ALC, i felt as if I'm Zach Braff on the airplane, except that I'm the opposite. In fact the whole situation is the opposite of Garden State. In Garden State, everyone was panicking on the airplane while Zach was emotionless. Today, everyone was happy, busy chattering on the way home but I was in so much confusion, pain, denial and heartache. I plugged on my headphones to avoid the crowd and tuned in to one song after another which makes me feel even more. Dashboard Confessional's Stolen, Michael Buble's Home, Dishwalla's Angels or Devils, Damien Rice's Cold Water, Michael Buble's Put your head on my shoulders, Deathcab for Cutie's What Sarah Said. I looked up the ceiling of the bus and Garden State came to my mind. Wait, now Angels or Devil is playing.

This is the last time that I'm ever gonna come in tonight.....This is the last time I will fall, I can see the love in you, I can see the pain in you...

Sorry I told you tonight's post gonna be crap. I just let my thoughts flow and wrote it down, doesnt think at all. Whisky's a bad choice, a real bad one. Shouldn't have because I didn't know it made me bolder. Now that I've drank, I feel like talking to her straight away. Augustana's Boston is playing now. God, I love and am so attached to every song I'm playing now. Weekend sucks. My last weekend was like crap. Seko said today that habits can't be changed, you can only hope to replace it but it can't be changed. If that's what you are from day 1, that's what you're gonna be. I tried to be strong, put it off, take it as nothing happened, but somehow I failed successfully. Jacob Golden's On a Saturday has never really appealed to me, but I'm trying to listen to it now as it's her favourite. I used to joke that it sounds to me like a Saturday funfair, which I find it really funneh. But now I'm trying to listen to it really closely.

I'm talking to Jac on msn and I broke down again. And another friend just called. What a night. Lots of attention suddenly. But i need to write. Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah is playing now. I still remember how we used to talk about this song. She said it's about faith in religion. I thought it's about relationship. I've always like talking to her as she is so insightful. How can I tell her all this? Oh, she's online now.

Now try to listen to the lyrics of this song Matchbook Romance's Tiger Lily. It' just exactly like what happened between me and her. We're driving tonight everytime after drinking and talking about our lives, it's so nice. It's really paradise. And everytime I just wanna stop my car and hold on to her, which most of the time I hesitated. And everytime, I don't want to speak those words, cause I'm afraid of making things any worse. I'm afraid of losing her. But I want more. I really like her. Everytime after the night ends, I ask myself, "Why does tonight has to end? Why can't we hit restart, please God?" Let it pause it at our favourite parts, let us skip goodbyes.

If I had my way, I would really turn my car around and run away, to a far away land, just me and her. I'm caught between doing and not doing. I want to do it but I'm afraid it might be the wrong move. This song just so reflects what's going on between me and her.

We drive tonight,

And you are by my side.

We're talking about our lives,

Like we've known each other forever.

The time flies by,

With the sound of your voice.

Its close to paradise,

With the end surely near.

And if i could only stop the car

And hold onto you,

And never let go (and never let go)

I'll never let go (i'll never let go)

As we round the corner

To your house

You turned to me and said,"i'll be going through withdrawal of you

For this one night we have spent.

"And, i want to speak these words

But i guess i'll just bite my tongue,

And accept "someday, somehow"

As the words that we'll hang from.
And i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.

'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse.

And i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.

'cause i, i don't want to make things any worse.

Why does tonight, have to end?

Why don't we hit restart,

And pause it at our favorite parts.

We'll skip the goodbyes.

If i had it my way,I'd turn the car around and runaway,

Just you and i.

Emotions Analysis [Dissection]

Current Music: [Jackson Browne-Stay]

It's Saturday night for me and it's uh 1:02 in the morning. I've just had my dose of 24 [Twenty-Four] from episode 9-13. The words "The following happened between 9.00am - 10.00am on the day of the California Presidential Primary" keeps ringing in my head. Haha, why am i being such a nerd to actually remember that. Jackson Browne's Stay has an effect on me I guess. It sounds happy. Another familiar voice that echoes in my head goes "My name is Jack Bauer and I'm a Federal agent. Today will be the longest day in my life".

Enough of the introduction eh. Tonight the topic is on emotions analyis or dissection. Think of emotions as a cadaver. Think of yourself as a forensic specialist in charge of dissecting a body. Whether you like it or not, emotions, this damn word flows into us every minute of the day...except when you're in deep slumber. Wait, even when you're in the faraway dreamland, emotions actually do seep in as you dream. You wake up in the morning and you discover you have develop more freckles today than yesterday. The emotion with a tag called "frustration" flows in. During lunch, this beautiful girl from the opposite table hands you a smile so genuine the emotion called "happiness" tags you because you feel worthy, appreciated and you realised you're actually attractive. You've been kissed the night before by the person you like. You wake up feeling you're on top of the world the next morning even 9/11 can't bring you down. Out of the blue one day, your boyfriend just decided to say goodbye and starts isolating your books from his CDs. Saddest day in your life, I suppose. Negative emotion on that one.

Well the thing is we need to learn how to dissect our emotions piece by piece, analyse them and solve them. One of the favourite pasttime of human beings is to hoard emotions, put them all in a big pile until one day they burst. Not a very interesting pasttime activity but definitely one of the most common one practiced. Let's pull an example to elaborate on the cadaver dissection. You wake up one morning feeling like shit. Work sucks and you can't communicate with your colleagues. As if those are not enough, you dread the chicken chop with rice you've been having for the past 2 days. And to top that up, you think you're a lonely sucker for going home alone after work again at 6 p.m. Blames start flying in on everything around you...boss sucks, colleagues are losers, above all you are the most pathetic person in this whole wide world. This is where my theory comes in. Ask yourself deeply, what is your problem really? Was it really the boss, the colleague or the chicken chop with rice? Nothing is easy in this world. To get results, you need to put in efforts. Your effort in this case would be to really do some soul-searching and ask yourself, i repeat, DEEPLY what is really missing in your life that makes you behave the way you do? After some deep thoughts, you think, really it's because I lack love in my life. I need a girlfriend to be there for me. So do it, get one. Problems solved, maybe not all, but I assure you a substantial part of what we just mentioned. You start to realise that the boss is not that sucky after all, because despite the workload you get, you know at the end of the day you get to see the one you love. The core of the problem is "emptiness" really. If you try to psychoanalyse your emotions, like we did above, emptiness is the thing you should work on improving or solving and BAM! you feel happier.

I had a problem once with my ex-girlfriend. When we broke up, I felt really down. It lasted for a few weeks. I've been hoarding all the memories that we had together and every morning I thought of the things we've enjoyed together, the food we ate in some restaurant, the bookstore we went to. I was constantly blaming my own misfortune. Concentration was just a pure failure at everything I do. That is what we call psychological hoarding. We human try to cling on to too much rubbish from our past. What's worse is most of us won't even take the initiative to clean up those rubbish. Most people argued that it's part of their lives, sweet memories, etc, bla bla bla that they need to keep for it to be meaningful. But let's face it, selfishness is a trait that everyone shamelessly possess inherently, sad to say. Now the question is, why be cruel to yourself? The other party doesn't care if you think it's a sweet thing to be remembered in memory. Your ex lover may have moved on, and instead you're clinging on to something which burdens your heart more each and everyday of your life. Dump it, accept that it's the past, move on, life has so much more to offer. So, having said that, I woke up one morning and realised that it was her company that I enjoyed, not because i loved her. I realised it could be another girl and I would still feel the same. I would still miss her and the places we hang out at. The dissection of my emotions took place. I took the effort to dissect my emotions piece by piece and I don't live in my past now. So sometimes you need to ask yourself, be it your past or your current, do I really love him or did I? Or is it just because of the company? Or is it because of the familiarity that's so hard to kick off? It's very important to understand this simple yet subtle fact of life folks.

Don't get me wrong. I never made this to sound easy. I failed too at times. Like I said, nothing is ever easy in this world. But the choice of being out of trouble [I wouldn't really use the word happiness here because it's quite elusive to me], being not unhappy at least is really in your own hands.

I was supposed to stop at the last paragraph above but Jann Arden's "Hanging by a thread" kicks in. So to let my readers have a feel of what I'm going through now, I'll upload that on my blog, hopefully it works. With this song playing, let me write something. It's about this girl in my life [I think she knows who she is]. I've been contemplating for the last 48hours whether to write something. Not only that, I've been having doubts over what is right to write and what is not. It is not some risk I'm willing to take. To this point, I feel like erasing my earlier posts on some of the girls who were in my life because I know I was wrong and that I'm right about this girl...all along.

I've been stalling for about 15 minutes but I can't really decide on things to write. I'm afraid of saying the wrong things. She is just special to me in short.

Ok...I uh went for a smoke..and I stood outside the balcony for like 30 minutes staring at the lit-up stretch of condominiums up far. And I've decided to re-edit this post, add something. Previously I can write freely about the girls, because they were in my life before. For this particularly girl I am talking about, I can't. I dare not write about her here, because she's not mine. I uh...decided to watch OC now at 4:28 in the morning.

Season 2: Episode 1: The snO.C. - at 40th minute and 30 second. Well, to be precise it's at 41th minute 10 second...between Ryan and Lindsay. That's what I experienced. That's how it is to me. And that's how much it meant to me. I watch it to remember what happened. Again too much ramblings. I'm going for a smoke again...