A Million Thoughts

Current Music: [Frausdots - Soft Light]

Let me just light up a cigarette first....I somehow forgot when it is I last blogged. I've been drinking yes. I just drank...and it feels good to write something now. Oh I really should remember that this is a blog post and refrain from the "..." thing which looks so unprofessional. I've just read through Ling's blog http://lingharpsichord.blogspot.com/ , which is a good friend of mine in Adelaide. Well, we were mere acquaintance; we do not hang out much, but somehow I've always felt a certain inclination towards her writings and herself personally.

I stalled for a moment just. For I do not know what to write. I am staring at my arm where my left black tribal tattoo lies. A moment of madness signals to me that I should have some razor over it. What is the world anyway? There's this constant thought on my mind each and every day asking why are people around me so happy? Like I said, I somehow can relate to Ling (apart from Joe of course, who is like my other half). Whatever Ling said on her blog, no friends in KL as opposed to Adelaide, alone, do not know who to call for coffee. I can totally relate to that. Not that I am desperate or pathetic, but everyone longs for a sense of belonging. Like what Michael Buble sang, a home to go home to.

Most people wouldn't comprehend what I'm writing here, so please do not judge me.

"A problem is a problem if you think it is. Don't let anyone tell you how insignificant your problems are. They may think you are over-exaggerating, they may think it's a small problem, but if it's there, it's there".

Can somebody bring me some more Carlsberg please? They really should set up something like 1300-Carlsberg-delivery. I guess I would have to focus on my Dunhill's Lights then.

I'm so filled with anger nowadays for no apparent reason. Today I saw with my own eyes a BMW banged into a Kelisa. I actually felt happy seeing that. It brings indescribable joy to me that somebody fucked up, that somebody is there to share my pain inside. At times, I want to inflict pain on the world, so to feel that I am not alone.

Sometimes I hesitate and consider alot if I should really write out what I feel, for fear that people will judge me. Jac would probably be scared to death if she reads this. But can anyone really understand me in this world other than Joe? Can someone really look into my eyes and tell me what I feel is normal? Nobody would like to feel this way you know. Everyone deserves happiness, but I didn't have it. Hopes are dashed all the times. Love is a fairy-tale. Nobody means what they say. Everything in this whole wide world is a lie and it's all about money.

I met Nic and Huiwen the other day. Just as I was hanging out with them, I realised how happy they are as a couple. Simplicity seems to be the keyword to happiness, well, according to him. Like what I told Joe, we are the best of friends, no doubt, but once the hanging out is done, Im still back alone in my room, feeling the emptiness all over again. Well, not really though, I mean I've learnt how to deal with living alone better now.

Let me light up...yet another stick...

Here goes....I don't know what's the word, but I think I like girls like Ling, Joe. They somehow are "like" me. I need a dose of Damien Rice's "Cold Water" every night to calm me.

"Cold, cold water surrounds me now

And all I've got is your hand

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now,

Or am I lost?

Love one's daughter allow me that

And I can't let go of your handLord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

or am I lost?

oooo, I love you

Don’t you know I love you

And I always have

Hallelujah

Will you come with me?

Cold, cold water surrounds me now

Cold cold water surrounds me now

And all I've got is your hand,

Lord, Can you hear me?

Lord, can you hear me now?Lord, can you hear me?

Ahh...Am I lost with you?

Am I lost with you?

Am I lost with you?"

Everytime I listen to this song, the emotional blanket envelopes me as if I'm surrounded by cold cold water. And all I've got is myself, beer and cigarettes. Somehow I feel alcohol is my release, somewhere where I can find solace from within.

I should stop rambling perhaps...it's 3:45 am...

My Feelings 1.10.08

Chris Daughtry is so relatable to me now. Nowadays, day and night, I can’t not tune into Daughtry’s songs. It talks about life and probably here I am over-analysing, which is so me. Right now, I’m in a frenzy state of mind at 1.55am in the morning. What’s left of me is a hermit who wanders around aimlessly in his soul-less body with Daughtry’s Home playing in the background. Jessica and Sam were kind enough to drop by to accompany me. They tried to crack jokes and were really nice to me. Somehow I just can’t relate to what they are trying to console me, bring to my comfort. I’m not exactly sad, but I think I’m more in search of my lost life. I’m kinda lost every night. I need something to empower me to get through it. Some may view me as a person with a psychological issue when I write this. Some like Joe totally understands what I’m trying to say. I can’t believe I nearly broke down in front of her today. The tears just came naturally. I just feel so sad that tears began to fill my eyes. It was a hard one holding it back and telling her that we should go upstairs and continue work. I love her more than anything in this world, for that I am glad I do. When I told her that I want her to know I still love her, as much as the first time I see her, I don’t know even what to type now readers. I’m just so in love with this girl. And when she said “Sorry” to me, I really can’t hold back my tears. When I see her face, I see joy. That’s what I see. God, I need another beer now. It’s gonna end with another sip. “Used to” by Daughtry is playing in my Realplayer now. Can’t really type anymore at 2.04am. Still loving you J.