Hoping.......................

[CURRENT MUSIC: NORAH JONES: TURN ME ON]

What am I hoping for? A picture speaks a thousand words. Love, of course. Just try to imagine the mood I'm in, factor in the music I'm listening to, dim lighting, with a hope in my heart.

The power of internet, I must say, is amazing. After countless tries combined with the SET software, and my friend Jai's somewhat unclear hint, I managed to find her on FB!! Well, it certainly took quite an amount of effort. SET here and there, by floor, by last name, FB, Friendster and at last.....at last by chance of an instinct, I yahoo-ed her and appeared an online boutique where her name was there. And so I clicked but still nothing was there. Now thank god for the creating the World. Hence human, hence the internet. And hence the power of sharing blogs with FB. And with a click which links to FB, there she is!

After months and months of staring in the lift, and the unclear glance my friend Jai had on her tag, now I know her name. Hehe am i happy!

Well, Allan K. Chalmers once said, "The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for."

I guess that is what I'm lacking. I don't even have something to hope for in my life. Ain't that pathetic? And I've been shutting myself from love too much until finally I feel I can't take it anymore. This time around, I think I'll give it a go, my whole go, no matter if it's gonna work out or not, regardless if she's already attached or not. The key word is "try". Never try never know.

I want to feel alive. Feeling alive doing something passionately. Hoping for something passionately. We saw each other again today at MyNews. I could almost caught her taking a glance at me too. The whole day was so dull for me but that moment when I found her name online made me feel good, and I'm still feeling good. Hehe.... I know this may sound corny but there's a line I picked up from "Harold & Kumar". "These 10 seconds I have in the lift with you everyday, it's the best time of my day". Of course I'm not going to say these to her, no....haha. That won't be a very successful pick-up line. So what should I say? "Hey, u wouldn't happen to have an online boutique would ya?" Now that sounds good, yea I think so. But first of all of course, smile to her, smile to her. I mean my online master has been stressing this point to me over and over again.

In the famous words of Derek Lamont, "Smile! Smile to the lady. I cannot stress how important this often ignored gesture is to leaving a good impression in womans' hearts."

Now, seriously, everyone who knows me knows how long I've been shutting myself out from this thing called love. All I do is not get serious and flirt around. And frankly, I'm quite tired of that already. So, this time I'm going to give it my best effort and take a shot at it. For that, God I know I'm not really a believer but bestow upon me some luck to make this happen. :)

Now I guess today's a good post. And I can go to sleep with some hope in my heart, smiling. Hope is what keeps us going. Without it, we're as good as dead... :)

Look For A Star

[CURRENT MUSIC: BEAUTY AND THE BEAST]

I just finished watching this movie "Look For A Star". It's a lazy Sunday night, basically doing nothing other than being a permanent couch-potato, day-by-day.

The sillier you are, the happier you are...when it comes to love anyway. Like kids for instance, if they like something they like. If they don't they don't. They're simple, direct, outright. Unlike us adults, we think too much. We weigh the consequences to every situation. We do a cost-benefit analysis to every scenarios.

So the story goes. At first it was Vivian which I talked to the other day, telling me to not really set my expectations so high and to love for the moment. When it comes grab it, think too much and there you are alone again. At that time, I thought to myself "Ahh what bullshit, how could a 20 yr old like know know better than me?" But then today this movie I watched reinforces what she said in my mind. Maybe it's true that I'm constantly expecting for better ones that I'm still alone, feeling lonely most of the time and unhappy.

So now there's one presented in front of me. Should I go for it? Because I've already started weighing the good and bad points. I've started laying out the cost-benefit analysis. And so what made me think if I should go for it is why do I care so much really? It might not even last. Just go for the heat of the moment thing. After all how long do we all live? Right? What I'm talking about is really a fundamental change in me. If I go for it this time, I will have a real fundamental change in me, not be so fussy and have so high expectations. But it could be good you know? Maybe that's the key to my happiness.

Let's just see how it goes.......

Complete Isolation from the World

[Current Music: Robin Thicke: Sweetest Love]

I think I've reached the peak of my depression. I've totally isolated myself from the world. Last 4 days of Hari Raya holidays made it worse. I was really all alone. No interaction with any human at all.

My life is like I wake up at 2pm, turn on Astro, channel 705, at least those R&B clips made me happy, laze around, take a bath, go out to the nearby Damansara Perdana to takeaway a pack of pathetic food, come back home, ate, later on watch some DVD i bought, and the watch even more movies, and came evening, start my gym duties, and come night.

This is my favourite part of the day. I start to switch off all lights, only leaving the orange dim table lamp lit. Then again I turn on channel 705 and let those R&B plays. I love those caps they wear.

And then here is the fun part. I lay out my collection of stash on the table. And I choose which one to take.Pills, amphetamine, ketamine, liquor. Last Friday I snort ketamine alone. And started talking to complete strangers on IRC telling them how lonely my life is. And I started talking to Bee too. She knows I'm on drugs.

I'm thinking of getting weed tomorrow from Azrin. I told him I wanted to get heroin and he said I'm horrible. Yea I don't know. No, I know, I don't know what else to do.

I spent 1k last wednesday on drinks out the girls.378 in Library. 338 in Sanctuary. and 200 for the damages I did in Sanctuary. And nobody actually thanked me for it. It pisses me off. When everybody goes out to drink I pay, but there is not even a single thank you. Fuck them all.

Friends keep asking me out. Kevin asks me out. Vting asks me out. But somehow I push them away. I isolate myself. But when I isolate myself I'm not happy. Cos I'm lonely.

Today, I didn't even go to work on the pretext of I'm sick because I took pills last nite and it made me completely blur this morning. I have start to even fuck up my work. Look at the picture of this post. I'm exactly like him now.

I know I definitely need to work tomorrow. So I can't get stoned. So I just took one shot neat of whisky. That's the least I can take. I can't stand soberness anymore. It's killing me. Every night, every fucking night I need some stash. I've even already planned what's coming this Friday night. Cos I know I'll be very very very lonely myself and I would die from it. Hopefully I could get some weed cos the effects are longer. Hell, I'll smoke myself to heaven if i have to.

Something's wrong with me? I know. Who wants to be like this? I don't know what's wrong with me. I've got my own whole place now, but it seems like I'm just getting lonelier and lonelier. Even people who msg-ed me on MSN, I don't bother to reply. I think that people don't like me and I don't like people as well. Sometimes when that girl from 8th floor smiled at me, I felt a sudden surge of esctacy, like someone noticed me. someone cares to look at me.

Then I saw that bitch Jacklyn posting her couple picture with the caption, something special. When she was with me, she said that she wasn't the showy type. She wouldn't wanna post our picture on FB. but then now I saw it. And I'm damn pissed off. It's like I've been conned. It's like I'm inferior. What the fuck man :( It makes me real sad and down. Am I really so unappreciated? What do I lack that she has to do that? I've treated her every possible loving way I could. And this is what I get?

And then I saw on FB every posts msg-es of happiness from those 4 days holidays. Bali, back from Singapore, had a happy holiday. And why can't I have that? Why am i all alone in my condominium? The only person I do not hate now is Nicholas. Even though he's very sweetly in love with his gf, he still cares for me. He calls and knowing I'm not alright, he thinks about me.

And then there is Joelyn. I really miss her at times. Sometimes out of nowhere at night, I think of our drinking session, how happy I was hanging out with her. And I wonder why is it that I never see her online anymore. Any idiot would've guessed that she blocked me. I guess our last speech where I lashed out at her really pissed her off. But never thought she would just block me like that.

Ahh. seriously I don't know what can I do with my life anymore. I'm constantly on drugs cos that's the only release I can find. I googled last nite on the effects of heroine which says it's really addictive. That's what stops me. But I don't know. I may try it one day or soon I don't know.

Right now, I just hope to get my weed supply tomorrow so that I will feel better on Friday.