Complete Isolation from the World

[Current Music: Robin Thicke: Sweetest Love]

I think I've reached the peak of my depression. I've totally isolated myself from the world. Last 4 days of Hari Raya holidays made it worse. I was really all alone. No interaction with any human at all.

My life is like I wake up at 2pm, turn on Astro, channel 705, at least those R&B clips made me happy, laze around, take a bath, go out to the nearby Damansara Perdana to takeaway a pack of pathetic food, come back home, ate, later on watch some DVD i bought, and the watch even more movies, and came evening, start my gym duties, and come night.

This is my favourite part of the day. I start to switch off all lights, only leaving the orange dim table lamp lit. Then again I turn on channel 705 and let those R&B plays. I love those caps they wear.

And then here is the fun part. I lay out my collection of stash on the table. And I choose which one to take.Pills, amphetamine, ketamine, liquor. Last Friday I snort ketamine alone. And started talking to complete strangers on IRC telling them how lonely my life is. And I started talking to Bee too. She knows I'm on drugs.

I'm thinking of getting weed tomorrow from Azrin. I told him I wanted to get heroin and he said I'm horrible. Yea I don't know. No, I know, I don't know what else to do.

I spent 1k last wednesday on drinks out the girls.378 in Library. 338 in Sanctuary. and 200 for the damages I did in Sanctuary. And nobody actually thanked me for it. It pisses me off. When everybody goes out to drink I pay, but there is not even a single thank you. Fuck them all.

Friends keep asking me out. Kevin asks me out. Vting asks me out. But somehow I push them away. I isolate myself. But when I isolate myself I'm not happy. Cos I'm lonely.

Today, I didn't even go to work on the pretext of I'm sick because I took pills last nite and it made me completely blur this morning. I have start to even fuck up my work. Look at the picture of this post. I'm exactly like him now.

I know I definitely need to work tomorrow. So I can't get stoned. So I just took one shot neat of whisky. That's the least I can take. I can't stand soberness anymore. It's killing me. Every night, every fucking night I need some stash. I've even already planned what's coming this Friday night. Cos I know I'll be very very very lonely myself and I would die from it. Hopefully I could get some weed cos the effects are longer. Hell, I'll smoke myself to heaven if i have to.

Something's wrong with me? I know. Who wants to be like this? I don't know what's wrong with me. I've got my own whole place now, but it seems like I'm just getting lonelier and lonelier. Even people who msg-ed me on MSN, I don't bother to reply. I think that people don't like me and I don't like people as well. Sometimes when that girl from 8th floor smiled at me, I felt a sudden surge of esctacy, like someone noticed me. someone cares to look at me.

Then I saw that bitch Jacklyn posting her couple picture with the caption, something special. When she was with me, she said that she wasn't the showy type. She wouldn't wanna post our picture on FB. but then now I saw it. And I'm damn pissed off. It's like I've been conned. It's like I'm inferior. What the fuck man :( It makes me real sad and down. Am I really so unappreciated? What do I lack that she has to do that? I've treated her every possible loving way I could. And this is what I get?

And then I saw on FB every posts msg-es of happiness from those 4 days holidays. Bali, back from Singapore, had a happy holiday. And why can't I have that? Why am i all alone in my condominium? The only person I do not hate now is Nicholas. Even though he's very sweetly in love with his gf, he still cares for me. He calls and knowing I'm not alright, he thinks about me.

And then there is Joelyn. I really miss her at times. Sometimes out of nowhere at night, I think of our drinking session, how happy I was hanging out with her. And I wonder why is it that I never see her online anymore. Any idiot would've guessed that she blocked me. I guess our last speech where I lashed out at her really pissed her off. But never thought she would just block me like that.

Ahh. seriously I don't know what can I do with my life anymore. I'm constantly on drugs cos that's the only release I can find. I googled last nite on the effects of heroine which says it's really addictive. That's what stops me. But I don't know. I may try it one day or soon I don't know.

Right now, I just hope to get my weed supply tomorrow so that I will feel better on Friday.