Current Music: [Whitney Houston - Until You Come Back]At 9:20 p.m.
I'm drinking fine whisky, courtesy of my generous housemate, puffing Salem, and talking to Joe on MSN while directing my ears towards Whitney Houston's melodic voice. Nowadays, my hands shake for no apparent reason, mild shaking though. Is it because of excessive drinking? The first sip of my whisky tasted ewwww, it's so hard. I always wonder why do people like hard liquor anyway? I had it neat though, trying to imitate the movies when they always had a big gulp down. But after one glass, it feels better.
At 7:00 p.m. [ an hour earlier ]
Let's take a peek into my life, not that anyone is interested. After all, I'm just a pathetic 9-5er. I have a drinking problem. When we were young, we always thought that alcohol was cool. It's a brand we like to tag ourselves to. It's one of the few things we can claim to own, that it's ours. The same goes for cigarettes. It isn't necessarily the same when it becomes an addiction. I have a drinking problem and it's bad. And it's mostly attributed to emptiness that I drink. An abysmal misery, that's how I like to term my condition at 7:00 p.m. I wish this invisible envelope that wraps me up will just go away and disappear.
My vision was in a blur just now. I couldn't see anything in front of me. There was a obscure blurriness that prevents me from seeing things clearly. I walked into One World's hotel lift pressing 16th floor, which of course was my mistake. And then I scurried across One Utama without my soul being present. People were walking around me in an orderly fashion. They all looked alert and at ease with themselves. It came to a point where I almost did not know where I was or what I was doing. The only thing recognizable to me was my destination, to the carpark to get my car.
The whisky bottle at home was the only thing in my mind. The only thing. I couldn't think of anything else except that. Nevertheless, I headed towards a restaurant, sat down and consumed a plate of tasteless vermicelli. It was tasteless not because it was not delicious, because I lost my taste buds. It was really just a tool to fill up my stomach at that point of time.
Laughters, laughters, laughters, that's all I ever hear everyday, you know? Happy faces, happy faces, happy faces, that's all I ever see everyday, you know? I'm sick of hearing laughters and seeing happy faces. People tell me I'm an emotion extremist. It was never within my control. I'm always a slave to it. When I'm happy, I go beyond the sky and when I'm sad, I fall into an immeasurable abyss.
Problems, problems, problems, that's all I ever get everyday, you know? Emptiness, emptiness, emptiness, that's all I ever feel everyday, you know? Mom actually went and told Sis that I do not think of her as a family because of the money issue. Gosh, does she think that actually helps the situation? My father called me last night explaining to me that abandoning us isn't really what he wanted. My mother try to make it sound like it's my fault that I hadn't do anything for my father all this time, despite the fact that she always tells me my father sides with the other side. Any my sister sounded disappointed upon learning I do not treat her as a family. I could not take it anymore!! I just shut off everything and went off work. What's happening to me? What should I do?
Have the thought of suicide ever crossed your mind? The writing pad I bought just now had a new purpose. A enamored thought crossed my mind asking me to use it to write my suicide note. I would pass it to a few important persons to me in this world. Or write a will. Hand it to a few persons in my life. I first had suicidal thoughts in 2005 when I was in Australia. Things were so overwhelming. I was in the shower on day for 30 minutes with water splashing down my head and I thought that's it. It's time. It resurfaced many many times after I came back to Malaysia. It's not the location, it's me. I don't have the courage though. At times, I felt really hopeless and weak the thought crossed my mind, but I don't think I would be courageous enough to pull it off. But one day if I really do it, I'll be hugging 'Blink', one of the few things I want to remember in my life or in my afterlife. Sometimes after reading, I hug it to sleep close to my chest. It's something which I can fantasize that she's mine, that she's close to my heart. Every now and then, I open the book to read the greeting she wrote me. It still feels warm, like it's yesterday.
As if my problems are not enough, I found some irregularities in my hearbeat last Friday. It freaked me out and I reduced my addiction to two sticks on Saturday. Maybe it's because of excessive smoking. Maybe it's because of excessive drinking. Either way, God please don't take those two away from me. They are the two things in this world which at least I can proudly claim to be mine. I actually hope I meet someone in life who's in my situation, so that I can relate to him or her. Everyone seems to think I'm asking for it, that I deserved it because I'm negative. Haha, if anyone could be happy, wouldn't they want it?
Thomas Jefferson quoted in his speech on the Declaration of Independence that "We hold these truths to be sacred and undeniable; that all men are created equal and independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
The pursuit of happiness... Maybe even in Jefferson's time, he has come to realise that happiness is something that we can only pursue. It's elusive in nature, something that we can only pursue but never will be able to get.
My sickness is really getting to me. It's affecting my work, my relationship with colleagues, friends and everyone including my family. Most of the time, I don't know what can I do anymore to save myself, which is why I immerse myself in booze and cigarettes all the time. First it was cigarette, then it was beer. Then it's hard liquor. When is drug coming into the equation? It freaks me out that drugs will eventually come into the picture, and it freaks me out even more that when I'm done with drugs, suicide is next, when eventually there is nothing else more left to turn to. All these things, booze, cigarettes and drugs are really something to cover up my miseries.
I went to MPH today and read a gift book entitled "Love Book". It has quotes on love from famous poets around the world. There's a quote that says "every human has a basic need. they want to know someone is wondering what time they will be home tonight". I don't have that. I've hard really bad days recently. I just do not know what to do with my family anymore. Everything is so surface between me and my sister. In my younger years, I used to think people who comes home after work drinking whisky is cool. After all, he or she is a young professional urbanite ain't it? But now I know it's not. I'm the person now. Listening to Josh Groban's "Rememeber When It Rained" now, the phrase "running down...running down..running down contantly playing, I had smiles in my face and frowns in my heart at the same time.
It's near, it's near...the days of leaving this world...one day when I can't take it no more and if I have the sudden courage. I just hope for a miracle. Or I need a shrink...
No comments:
Post a Comment