Emotions Analysis [Dissection]

Current Music: [Jackson Browne-Stay]

It's Saturday night for me and it's uh 1:02 in the morning. I've just had my dose of 24 [Twenty-Four] from episode 9-13. The words "The following happened between 9.00am - 10.00am on the day of the California Presidential Primary" keeps ringing in my head. Haha, why am i being such a nerd to actually remember that. Jackson Browne's Stay has an effect on me I guess. It sounds happy. Another familiar voice that echoes in my head goes "My name is Jack Bauer and I'm a Federal agent. Today will be the longest day in my life".

Enough of the introduction eh. Tonight the topic is on emotions analyis or dissection. Think of emotions as a cadaver. Think of yourself as a forensic specialist in charge of dissecting a body. Whether you like it or not, emotions, this damn word flows into us every minute of the day...except when you're in deep slumber. Wait, even when you're in the faraway dreamland, emotions actually do seep in as you dream. You wake up in the morning and you discover you have develop more freckles today than yesterday. The emotion with a tag called "frustration" flows in. During lunch, this beautiful girl from the opposite table hands you a smile so genuine the emotion called "happiness" tags you because you feel worthy, appreciated and you realised you're actually attractive. You've been kissed the night before by the person you like. You wake up feeling you're on top of the world the next morning even 9/11 can't bring you down. Out of the blue one day, your boyfriend just decided to say goodbye and starts isolating your books from his CDs. Saddest day in your life, I suppose. Negative emotion on that one.

Well the thing is we need to learn how to dissect our emotions piece by piece, analyse them and solve them. One of the favourite pasttime of human beings is to hoard emotions, put them all in a big pile until one day they burst. Not a very interesting pasttime activity but definitely one of the most common one practiced. Let's pull an example to elaborate on the cadaver dissection. You wake up one morning feeling like shit. Work sucks and you can't communicate with your colleagues. As if those are not enough, you dread the chicken chop with rice you've been having for the past 2 days. And to top that up, you think you're a lonely sucker for going home alone after work again at 6 p.m. Blames start flying in on everything around you...boss sucks, colleagues are losers, above all you are the most pathetic person in this whole wide world. This is where my theory comes in. Ask yourself deeply, what is your problem really? Was it really the boss, the colleague or the chicken chop with rice? Nothing is easy in this world. To get results, you need to put in efforts. Your effort in this case would be to really do some soul-searching and ask yourself, i repeat, DEEPLY what is really missing in your life that makes you behave the way you do? After some deep thoughts, you think, really it's because I lack love in my life. I need a girlfriend to be there for me. So do it, get one. Problems solved, maybe not all, but I assure you a substantial part of what we just mentioned. You start to realise that the boss is not that sucky after all, because despite the workload you get, you know at the end of the day you get to see the one you love. The core of the problem is "emptiness" really. If you try to psychoanalyse your emotions, like we did above, emptiness is the thing you should work on improving or solving and BAM! you feel happier.

I had a problem once with my ex-girlfriend. When we broke up, I felt really down. It lasted for a few weeks. I've been hoarding all the memories that we had together and every morning I thought of the things we've enjoyed together, the food we ate in some restaurant, the bookstore we went to. I was constantly blaming my own misfortune. Concentration was just a pure failure at everything I do. That is what we call psychological hoarding. We human try to cling on to too much rubbish from our past. What's worse is most of us won't even take the initiative to clean up those rubbish. Most people argued that it's part of their lives, sweet memories, etc, bla bla bla that they need to keep for it to be meaningful. But let's face it, selfishness is a trait that everyone shamelessly possess inherently, sad to say. Now the question is, why be cruel to yourself? The other party doesn't care if you think it's a sweet thing to be remembered in memory. Your ex lover may have moved on, and instead you're clinging on to something which burdens your heart more each and everyday of your life. Dump it, accept that it's the past, move on, life has so much more to offer. So, having said that, I woke up one morning and realised that it was her company that I enjoyed, not because i loved her. I realised it could be another girl and I would still feel the same. I would still miss her and the places we hang out at. The dissection of my emotions took place. I took the effort to dissect my emotions piece by piece and I don't live in my past now. So sometimes you need to ask yourself, be it your past or your current, do I really love him or did I? Or is it just because of the company? Or is it because of the familiarity that's so hard to kick off? It's very important to understand this simple yet subtle fact of life folks.

Don't get me wrong. I never made this to sound easy. I failed too at times. Like I said, nothing is ever easy in this world. But the choice of being out of trouble [I wouldn't really use the word happiness here because it's quite elusive to me], being not unhappy at least is really in your own hands.

I was supposed to stop at the last paragraph above but Jann Arden's "Hanging by a thread" kicks in. So to let my readers have a feel of what I'm going through now, I'll upload that on my blog, hopefully it works. With this song playing, let me write something. It's about this girl in my life [I think she knows who she is]. I've been contemplating for the last 48hours whether to write something. Not only that, I've been having doubts over what is right to write and what is not. It is not some risk I'm willing to take. To this point, I feel like erasing my earlier posts on some of the girls who were in my life because I know I was wrong and that I'm right about this girl...all along.

I've been stalling for about 15 minutes but I can't really decide on things to write. I'm afraid of saying the wrong things. She is just special to me in short.

Ok...I uh went for a smoke..and I stood outside the balcony for like 30 minutes staring at the lit-up stretch of condominiums up far. And I've decided to re-edit this post, add something. Previously I can write freely about the girls, because they were in my life before. For this particularly girl I am talking about, I can't. I dare not write about her here, because she's not mine. I uh...decided to watch OC now at 4:28 in the morning.

Season 2: Episode 1: The snO.C. - at 40th minute and 30 second. Well, to be precise it's at 41th minute 10 second...between Ryan and Lindsay. That's what I experienced. That's how it is to me. And that's how much it meant to me. I watch it to remember what happened. Again too much ramblings. I'm going for a smoke again...