Songs...songs and songs...

Current Music [Babyface: I Only Think Of You On Two Occasions]

I only think of you on two occasions, that's day and night....................

Today is gonna be the day where I post my crappiest post ever. For I do not know what it is that should be written. I do not know what should be written or rather say there are a lot of things that I dare not write here. I finally did it. Beers are out of fashion now for me. Not strong enough for my thoughts apparently. Now I'm doing whisky...at home. Finally felt that beer at Dave's is not gonna give me what I want.

On a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of tipsiness, the rank is on 7 now. I really need to write but I'm holding a lot and a lot of things back. I've just had two straight shots. Damn, that's what I'm talking about. Now I'm feeling something. Now I can write. Don't get me wrong, I do not enjoy this. Anyway whoever the reader is, you can forgive me for whatever rubbish I spout out tonight as you know, it's mostly on whisky. On the other hands, you could take me seriously for the whisky might bring out lots of hidden agendas.

I've gotta change the song list first. Yea, Brandi Carlile is playing now. These stories don't mean anything if you don't have anyone to tell them to huh? But let me ask you this question. What if you've always got someone to tell your story to, and suddenly the story you're gonna tell is something you can't tell this person? How'd that feel huh? Cool right? Totally man. Defense is really paper thin. For I feel so damn weak here energy is draining out my veins.

Alcohol, I'm sorry wanted to say something about alcohol, but I just broke down. I hope this will make me feel better. I'm questioning my life, my fate, my luck, everything.Finally, I broke down after all these suppressed emotions.

Today in the bus for ALC, i felt as if I'm Zach Braff on the airplane, except that I'm the opposite. In fact the whole situation is the opposite of Garden State. In Garden State, everyone was panicking on the airplane while Zach was emotionless. Today, everyone was happy, busy chattering on the way home but I was in so much confusion, pain, denial and heartache. I plugged on my headphones to avoid the crowd and tuned in to one song after another which makes me feel even more. Dashboard Confessional's Stolen, Michael Buble's Home, Dishwalla's Angels or Devils, Damien Rice's Cold Water, Michael Buble's Put your head on my shoulders, Deathcab for Cutie's What Sarah Said. I looked up the ceiling of the bus and Garden State came to my mind. Wait, now Angels or Devil is playing.

This is the last time that I'm ever gonna come in tonight.....This is the last time I will fall, I can see the love in you, I can see the pain in you...

Sorry I told you tonight's post gonna be crap. I just let my thoughts flow and wrote it down, doesnt think at all. Whisky's a bad choice, a real bad one. Shouldn't have because I didn't know it made me bolder. Now that I've drank, I feel like talking to her straight away. Augustana's Boston is playing now. God, I love and am so attached to every song I'm playing now. Weekend sucks. My last weekend was like crap. Seko said today that habits can't be changed, you can only hope to replace it but it can't be changed. If that's what you are from day 1, that's what you're gonna be. I tried to be strong, put it off, take it as nothing happened, but somehow I failed successfully. Jacob Golden's On a Saturday has never really appealed to me, but I'm trying to listen to it now as it's her favourite. I used to joke that it sounds to me like a Saturday funfair, which I find it really funneh. But now I'm trying to listen to it really closely.

I'm talking to Jac on msn and I broke down again. And another friend just called. What a night. Lots of attention suddenly. But i need to write. Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah is playing now. I still remember how we used to talk about this song. She said it's about faith in religion. I thought it's about relationship. I've always like talking to her as she is so insightful. How can I tell her all this? Oh, she's online now.

Now try to listen to the lyrics of this song Matchbook Romance's Tiger Lily. It' just exactly like what happened between me and her. We're driving tonight everytime after drinking and talking about our lives, it's so nice. It's really paradise. And everytime I just wanna stop my car and hold on to her, which most of the time I hesitated. And everytime, I don't want to speak those words, cause I'm afraid of making things any worse. I'm afraid of losing her. But I want more. I really like her. Everytime after the night ends, I ask myself, "Why does tonight has to end? Why can't we hit restart, please God?" Let it pause it at our favourite parts, let us skip goodbyes.

If I had my way, I would really turn my car around and run away, to a far away land, just me and her. I'm caught between doing and not doing. I want to do it but I'm afraid it might be the wrong move. This song just so reflects what's going on between me and her.

We drive tonight,

And you are by my side.

We're talking about our lives,

Like we've known each other forever.

The time flies by,

With the sound of your voice.

Its close to paradise,

With the end surely near.

And if i could only stop the car

And hold onto you,

And never let go (and never let go)

I'll never let go (i'll never let go)

As we round the corner

To your house

You turned to me and said,"i'll be going through withdrawal of you

For this one night we have spent.

"And, i want to speak these words

But i guess i'll just bite my tongue,

And accept "someday, somehow"

As the words that we'll hang from.
And i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.

'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse.

And i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.

'cause i, i don't want to make things any worse.

Why does tonight, have to end?

Why don't we hit restart,

And pause it at our favorite parts.

We'll skip the goodbyes.

If i had it my way,I'd turn the car around and runaway,

Just you and i.

Emotions Analysis [Dissection]

Current Music: [Jackson Browne-Stay]

It's Saturday night for me and it's uh 1:02 in the morning. I've just had my dose of 24 [Twenty-Four] from episode 9-13. The words "The following happened between 9.00am - 10.00am on the day of the California Presidential Primary" keeps ringing in my head. Haha, why am i being such a nerd to actually remember that. Jackson Browne's Stay has an effect on me I guess. It sounds happy. Another familiar voice that echoes in my head goes "My name is Jack Bauer and I'm a Federal agent. Today will be the longest day in my life".

Enough of the introduction eh. Tonight the topic is on emotions analyis or dissection. Think of emotions as a cadaver. Think of yourself as a forensic specialist in charge of dissecting a body. Whether you like it or not, emotions, this damn word flows into us every minute of the day...except when you're in deep slumber. Wait, even when you're in the faraway dreamland, emotions actually do seep in as you dream. You wake up in the morning and you discover you have develop more freckles today than yesterday. The emotion with a tag called "frustration" flows in. During lunch, this beautiful girl from the opposite table hands you a smile so genuine the emotion called "happiness" tags you because you feel worthy, appreciated and you realised you're actually attractive. You've been kissed the night before by the person you like. You wake up feeling you're on top of the world the next morning even 9/11 can't bring you down. Out of the blue one day, your boyfriend just decided to say goodbye and starts isolating your books from his CDs. Saddest day in your life, I suppose. Negative emotion on that one.

Well the thing is we need to learn how to dissect our emotions piece by piece, analyse them and solve them. One of the favourite pasttime of human beings is to hoard emotions, put them all in a big pile until one day they burst. Not a very interesting pasttime activity but definitely one of the most common one practiced. Let's pull an example to elaborate on the cadaver dissection. You wake up one morning feeling like shit. Work sucks and you can't communicate with your colleagues. As if those are not enough, you dread the chicken chop with rice you've been having for the past 2 days. And to top that up, you think you're a lonely sucker for going home alone after work again at 6 p.m. Blames start flying in on everything around you...boss sucks, colleagues are losers, above all you are the most pathetic person in this whole wide world. This is where my theory comes in. Ask yourself deeply, what is your problem really? Was it really the boss, the colleague or the chicken chop with rice? Nothing is easy in this world. To get results, you need to put in efforts. Your effort in this case would be to really do some soul-searching and ask yourself, i repeat, DEEPLY what is really missing in your life that makes you behave the way you do? After some deep thoughts, you think, really it's because I lack love in my life. I need a girlfriend to be there for me. So do it, get one. Problems solved, maybe not all, but I assure you a substantial part of what we just mentioned. You start to realise that the boss is not that sucky after all, because despite the workload you get, you know at the end of the day you get to see the one you love. The core of the problem is "emptiness" really. If you try to psychoanalyse your emotions, like we did above, emptiness is the thing you should work on improving or solving and BAM! you feel happier.

I had a problem once with my ex-girlfriend. When we broke up, I felt really down. It lasted for a few weeks. I've been hoarding all the memories that we had together and every morning I thought of the things we've enjoyed together, the food we ate in some restaurant, the bookstore we went to. I was constantly blaming my own misfortune. Concentration was just a pure failure at everything I do. That is what we call psychological hoarding. We human try to cling on to too much rubbish from our past. What's worse is most of us won't even take the initiative to clean up those rubbish. Most people argued that it's part of their lives, sweet memories, etc, bla bla bla that they need to keep for it to be meaningful. But let's face it, selfishness is a trait that everyone shamelessly possess inherently, sad to say. Now the question is, why be cruel to yourself? The other party doesn't care if you think it's a sweet thing to be remembered in memory. Your ex lover may have moved on, and instead you're clinging on to something which burdens your heart more each and everyday of your life. Dump it, accept that it's the past, move on, life has so much more to offer. So, having said that, I woke up one morning and realised that it was her company that I enjoyed, not because i loved her. I realised it could be another girl and I would still feel the same. I would still miss her and the places we hang out at. The dissection of my emotions took place. I took the effort to dissect my emotions piece by piece and I don't live in my past now. So sometimes you need to ask yourself, be it your past or your current, do I really love him or did I? Or is it just because of the company? Or is it because of the familiarity that's so hard to kick off? It's very important to understand this simple yet subtle fact of life folks.

Don't get me wrong. I never made this to sound easy. I failed too at times. Like I said, nothing is ever easy in this world. But the choice of being out of trouble [I wouldn't really use the word happiness here because it's quite elusive to me], being not unhappy at least is really in your own hands.

I was supposed to stop at the last paragraph above but Jann Arden's "Hanging by a thread" kicks in. So to let my readers have a feel of what I'm going through now, I'll upload that on my blog, hopefully it works. With this song playing, let me write something. It's about this girl in my life [I think she knows who she is]. I've been contemplating for the last 48hours whether to write something. Not only that, I've been having doubts over what is right to write and what is not. It is not some risk I'm willing to take. To this point, I feel like erasing my earlier posts on some of the girls who were in my life because I know I was wrong and that I'm right about this girl...all along.

I've been stalling for about 15 minutes but I can't really decide on things to write. I'm afraid of saying the wrong things. She is just special to me in short.

Ok...I uh went for a smoke..and I stood outside the balcony for like 30 minutes staring at the lit-up stretch of condominiums up far. And I've decided to re-edit this post, add something. Previously I can write freely about the girls, because they were in my life before. For this particularly girl I am talking about, I can't. I dare not write about her here, because she's not mine. I uh...decided to watch OC now at 4:28 in the morning.

Season 2: Episode 1: The snO.C. - at 40th minute and 30 second. Well, to be precise it's at 41th minute 10 second...between Ryan and Lindsay. That's what I experienced. That's how it is to me. And that's how much it meant to me. I watch it to remember what happened. Again too much ramblings. I'm going for a smoke again...

Don't be a stranger...

Ever met a stranger who did something nice to you? Be it a favor, carrying your groceries to your car, helping you up when you accidentally fell down, or just a mere smile which totally makes your day. I've came across this really amazing blog "One Minute Writer" and a sub-topic titled "Strangers", which has about 132 comments from all over the world, narrating their experiences with strangers who made a difference on their lives. http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/2008/11/todays-writing-prompt-stranger.html

My first day in Adelaide and I was lost in Rundle mall at 8p.m. Shops were all closed. I had no idea how to get back to Mile End. I met a business-suit man and asked for directions to the bus. He was kind enough to offer me a lift home in his over-sized Land Rover. Before dropping me off, he gave me his name card and asked me to contact him should I encounter any difficulties in Adelaide seeing that I'm a new-comer. He defined Australians; he carved an image of Australians in my mind from that day onwards, that they are friendly and helpful people. I could not forget how nice he is until today for he really made my day. Simple things that strangers do can leave a mark in someone's life. It makes you feel that the world is somehow not as cold as you think it is.

The owner of the BMW parked opposite mine in my condominium. He did nothing but unselfishly offered his smile everytime we met in the lift. It brightened up my day after an usual long one.

Likewise, I started having conversation with strangers nowadays, partly to feel good about being nice to others and partly to experiment with the reaction that I am to receive when I randomly strike up a conversation with them. The world should be a harmonious place, isn't it, where people greet each others with smiles everyday, caring for each other instead of being cold, selfish, living in one's own world.

Today, I had two conversations with two different strangers and I received smiles from both of them. It made my day and I'm quite certain it made theirs too. The first was with a woman at the lift. We were waiting for the lift together and she was having a rather tight facial expression. When we exited the lift, there was a bunch of 12-13 year olds shrieking at the top of their lungs in swim suits heading towards the pool. I struck up a conversation with the woman.

Me: "Gosh, they were noisy, weren't they?"

Woman: " Yea, they definitely are (sounding totally agreeable). "

Me: "Kids, huh..." (laughed)

Woman: "Yea, kids " (laughed too).

Before she went off, she smiled at me and wished me a good day.

The second conversation was with a Domino's delivery guy. It was simple. I was about to enter my condominium which needed access card. Obviously he did not have one and he followed me in when I swiped mine. Before I exited the lift, I gave him the most untainted, true smile (somehow I just felt really friendly today) and wished him good night. I can tell I made his day by the facial expression he had at that point of time. Okay, I may be assuming his thoughts , but what I gather from his expression, or my own thoughts when I get that kind of treament is "Wow, he is really polite and nice, there are still nice people in this world and the world is not exactly cold. Well, as bad as my day seemed to be, there is still hope in this world. At least that guy made it better".

I guess all I wanted to say tonight is sometimes, if your emotions allow of course, smile to people. Make someone feel nice. For me, it feels nice to make someone else feel nice, not sure about you though, whoever you are reading this.

A Million Thoughts

Current Music: [Frausdots - Soft Light]

Let me just light up a cigarette first....I somehow forgot when it is I last blogged. I've been drinking yes. I just drank...and it feels good to write something now. Oh I really should remember that this is a blog post and refrain from the "..." thing which looks so unprofessional. I've just read through Ling's blog http://lingharpsichord.blogspot.com/ , which is a good friend of mine in Adelaide. Well, we were mere acquaintance; we do not hang out much, but somehow I've always felt a certain inclination towards her writings and herself personally.

I stalled for a moment just. For I do not know what to write. I am staring at my arm where my left black tribal tattoo lies. A moment of madness signals to me that I should have some razor over it. What is the world anyway? There's this constant thought on my mind each and every day asking why are people around me so happy? Like I said, I somehow can relate to Ling (apart from Joe of course, who is like my other half). Whatever Ling said on her blog, no friends in KL as opposed to Adelaide, alone, do not know who to call for coffee. I can totally relate to that. Not that I am desperate or pathetic, but everyone longs for a sense of belonging. Like what Michael Buble sang, a home to go home to.

Most people wouldn't comprehend what I'm writing here, so please do not judge me.

"A problem is a problem if you think it is. Don't let anyone tell you how insignificant your problems are. They may think you are over-exaggerating, they may think it's a small problem, but if it's there, it's there".

Can somebody bring me some more Carlsberg please? They really should set up something like 1300-Carlsberg-delivery. I guess I would have to focus on my Dunhill's Lights then.

I'm so filled with anger nowadays for no apparent reason. Today I saw with my own eyes a BMW banged into a Kelisa. I actually felt happy seeing that. It brings indescribable joy to me that somebody fucked up, that somebody is there to share my pain inside. At times, I want to inflict pain on the world, so to feel that I am not alone.

Sometimes I hesitate and consider alot if I should really write out what I feel, for fear that people will judge me. Jac would probably be scared to death if she reads this. But can anyone really understand me in this world other than Joe? Can someone really look into my eyes and tell me what I feel is normal? Nobody would like to feel this way you know. Everyone deserves happiness, but I didn't have it. Hopes are dashed all the times. Love is a fairy-tale. Nobody means what they say. Everything in this whole wide world is a lie and it's all about money.

I met Nic and Huiwen the other day. Just as I was hanging out with them, I realised how happy they are as a couple. Simplicity seems to be the keyword to happiness, well, according to him. Like what I told Joe, we are the best of friends, no doubt, but once the hanging out is done, Im still back alone in my room, feeling the emptiness all over again. Well, not really though, I mean I've learnt how to deal with living alone better now.

Let me light up...yet another stick...

Here goes....I don't know what's the word, but I think I like girls like Ling, Joe. They somehow are "like" me. I need a dose of Damien Rice's "Cold Water" every night to calm me.

"Cold, cold water surrounds me now

And all I've got is your hand

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now,

Or am I lost?

Love one's daughter allow me that

And I can't let go of your handLord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

or am I lost?

oooo, I love you

Don’t you know I love you

And I always have

Hallelujah

Will you come with me?

Cold, cold water surrounds me now

Cold cold water surrounds me now

And all I've got is your hand,

Lord, Can you hear me?

Lord, can you hear me now?Lord, can you hear me?

Ahh...Am I lost with you?

Am I lost with you?

Am I lost with you?"

Everytime I listen to this song, the emotional blanket envelopes me as if I'm surrounded by cold cold water. And all I've got is myself, beer and cigarettes. Somehow I feel alcohol is my release, somewhere where I can find solace from within.

I should stop rambling perhaps...it's 3:45 am...

My Feelings 1.10.08

Chris Daughtry is so relatable to me now. Nowadays, day and night, I can’t not tune into Daughtry’s songs. It talks about life and probably here I am over-analysing, which is so me. Right now, I’m in a frenzy state of mind at 1.55am in the morning. What’s left of me is a hermit who wanders around aimlessly in his soul-less body with Daughtry’s Home playing in the background. Jessica and Sam were kind enough to drop by to accompany me. They tried to crack jokes and were really nice to me. Somehow I just can’t relate to what they are trying to console me, bring to my comfort. I’m not exactly sad, but I think I’m more in search of my lost life. I’m kinda lost every night. I need something to empower me to get through it. Some may view me as a person with a psychological issue when I write this. Some like Joe totally understands what I’m trying to say. I can’t believe I nearly broke down in front of her today. The tears just came naturally. I just feel so sad that tears began to fill my eyes. It was a hard one holding it back and telling her that we should go upstairs and continue work. I love her more than anything in this world, for that I am glad I do. When I told her that I want her to know I still love her, as much as the first time I see her, I don’t know even what to type now readers. I’m just so in love with this girl. And when she said “Sorry” to me, I really can’t hold back my tears. When I see her face, I see joy. That’s what I see. God, I need another beer now. It’s gonna end with another sip. “Used to” by Daughtry is playing in my Realplayer now. Can’t really type anymore at 2.04am. Still loving you J.

My Feelings 29.9.08

Background playing: [Babyface feat Kenny G-Everytime I Close My Eyes]

I first had a random encounter with this girl when I was smoking at the parking lot situated below my company. She was this tall, elegant-looking lass who obviously stands out from the rest. I just admired her from afar because the thought of approaching her with a “Hi, how you doing?” just sounds a bit too daring to me. She will always be dressed in long straight pants which show the length of her legs perfectly. Above all, her long straight hair and the fairness of her skin is what attract me most. I was secretly in love with her.

Chances has it that she appeared in a TV series which I managed to catch a glimpse of her out of the blue. And chances has it too that she is actually a friend in my friend’s Facebook list. By fate, we became acquaintances and led on to become a pair of lovebirds.

She has this love for food which I find incredibly cute and amusing. The thought of her smile and excitement everytime she sees food brings heartfelt pleasure to me. I would spend time just analyzing every part of her facial expression as she smiles. She would always ask me “Why do you smile at me like that?” Well, I guess she did not realize that deep down inside, I actually felt this indescribable happiness everytime I see her face.

The very first greeting that I got from her was “Haroo, is it you who added me on FB?”. I still remember the very first time we met. She was dressed in a black three quarter leggies with a striking pink blouse. Initially it was a meeting for some light snacks as she put it, but eventually it led on to Sakae Sushi. I still remember vividly the smile on her face when she told me that she’s of Japanese origin.

The following few nights were the happiest I haven’t experienced in a very long time. Watching Money No Enough was one of it. The nights where she introduced me to SS15 were a bundle of it. I still remember the words she came up with when I left my backpack in the car. She said “No brains one ah? Leave your backpack in the car, use your brain lah.” Haha, I laughed inside. It is really funny and comfortable hanging out with her.

It is true that two persons habit will become intertwined together if they hang out for some time. If there is one thing that reminds me of her, it’s definitely gotta be “Maggi Goreng”. Much to my surprise, for the days that come, Maggi Goreng actually became my favourite food. I even had that as takeaway during my weekends when I was alone. And I remember the first day we got together on Merdeka eve, we watched (sort of) fireworks in my room. If there is one song that reminds me of her, it’s gonna be Babyface’s “Everytime I Close My Eyes, which played for the whole night. And which I’m playing now, thinking of what she is doing right now.

She has this set of very cute rules that she wants me to adhere to. She would go like “Rule #1…..Rule#2….until Rule#8 or so”. She did not know that deep down inside, I find her really cute. And speaking about cute, let’s not forget the Sudoku game we had in front of GSC MidValley. That was really smart of her. And the Gelato ice-cream we had where I dropped my spoon from the 2nd floor. She actually dropped a fork the other day from a 2nd floor at a SS15 mamak as well.

Every now and then, she will complain and have some temper when she talks to me. There was once when we worked together in the office until 11:30 and she was having her PMS. She got abit agitated when I woke her up inside my car to ask for the directions. But then after she apologized. For me, I did not feel even a single bit of dissatisfaction towards her. Instead what I thought was her PMS, that she was having it and for her to work till such a god-forbidden hour, it must have been hard on her. That is how much I love her. I somehow feel that it is nicer to write this using a Malay word “saying”. It feels more intimate. Every moment that I see her, in my heart there’s just a feeling that tells me that I really do “sayang” this girl. I want the best for her.

There was once in Malacca when I saw this miniature set of cups that I thought of her. I wanted to buy her those as she likes it. However, due to it being not so exquisite and up to her taste, I decided not to. In other words, it’s kinda cheap stuff. I missed her every minute that she was in Bangkok.

Have you had that moment in your life (as a man) where you meet a girl and nothing else seems more important to you as she is the one you will want to love? She may not be the Miss Right, it’s not important, but she is definitely someone you wanna love with all your heart. You feel heartache when she is unhappy and the mere smile on her face brings infinite happiness throughout the whole of your day. This is what she does to me.

She is someone who makes me feel that finally I can be a better me. I actually felt that drinking may not be the only leisure I should have. That was the first time I derived comfort from just hanging out having some tea. That there is someone in future worth me making sacrifices for. I bet she certainly doesn’t know of this as I only told my best friend Joe about it. One night after gym, I was headed to Jusco foodcourt all by myself. As I sat down alone chewing on my wantan mee, a thought consumed me. It was so strong that it nearly brought me to tears. It’s that I’ve finally met this wonderful girl in my life but I’m bombarded with worries of not being able to provide enough for her. Those thoughts were reflected into strength in which I hunted non-stop for job opportunities. Here I am thinking that I don’t want to lose a girl as wonderful as she is, and I want to give her a good life in the future, which is probably why I feel so sad now.

I was walking through Giant just now and my heart was just consumed with this indecipherable sadness. What she told me today is just too heart-breaking. As I walked through the shopping mall, I peeked into Sakae Sushi at the place we sat to reminisce the memories. As I waded myself through the people walking around the mall, I felt so empty and even emptier by the noises around me.

Do differences between couples really matter? Every couples is bound to have differences, and it has made me realized that the differences we face is indeed a very minimal obstacle which should be overcome and not brushed aside. This is because the agony of her not being by my side is much more to handle than the mere thought of posting my tattoo-ed picture on the internet or concealing our relationship in public. The genuine, purest feeling that I feel for her, which is love overrides all these trivial obstacles.

Somehow, I’m not mad at her. I’m very sad and my heart felt it was slumped into a deep recession which is not going to rebound anytime soon. But astonishingly, I’m not mad at her. I kept thinking of her smile. The one month that we’ve spent together, every bit of it, means a lot to me. And because of that, trivial differences to be compromised are of little importance to me because I’m happy with her all the time.

It is saddening to know that all my plans for her are going to the drain. I bet she didn’t know about this too but when she was asleep on my bed on Saturday night, I was busy searching for nice places to dine in at food blogs. One such was this place called Full House at Ara Damansara. I was gonna bring her there the weekend after going back to Muar. And being a beach lover that she is, I’m actually planning for Bali trip on January, where I was criticized as she said “Who goes to Bali on January???November or December lah…..” But I understand she was a little grumpy having just woke up, so I’m fine with it. I really just want her to be happy, want us to be happy. This is a picture of Jinbaran I got from my friend. I can visualize how happy we are if I were to bring her there, having candlelit dinner on the seaside.













































Jinbaran at Bali











I couldn’t say anything to her now that she’s so determined to make the final call to our relationship. Somehow I sensed that she is afraid of getting hurt again and that she is not so sure of what this is going to turn out. But I hope she can feel that what I have for her is real. It’s not something fake, which will go away anytime. Maybe she doesn’t understand that when I love her, I love her with all my heart. Lord, please give me some pointers as to how can I convince her that I’m really happy with her, that I am willing to sacrifice things just to be with her, willingly.

Having said that, as she is someone I love with all my heart, I’m going to prove to her that I’ll fight for her love. This is not something which I want it to end just like this. I hope you feel my love J. (Btw, lastly, I still find it cute when she wakes up during midnight everytime just to drink water from her purple bottle).

Art

Background Playing [Cold Water by Damien Rice]

Is suicide a piece of artwork? Tristan Reveur [a fictional artist] from the movie "Stay" [2005] once said that "an elegant suicide is the ultimate work of art". He burned all his works before he committed suicide and killed himself at Brooklyn Bridge on his 21st birthday. That way, his final suicide would be the most elegant of all and it did not matter at all what his previous works are. It takes great minds like Tristan Reveur to come up with such a disturbing yet intriguing quote. Strong emotions must have flowed through one's mind and body to think of suicide as an art.

Chronologically, it would have taken the form of unhappiness-sadness-depression-absolute resignation of hope-deciding-strength-belief-final release. When a person attains what I like to call absolute resignation of hope, he decides on suicide. Strength is thus present to motivate and encourage the individual that his choice is a worthy one. Still, belief is the most important factor to trigger the final execution of the elegant act.

An art........the movie is filmed and directed in such a beautiful way it brought tears to my eyes on several occasions. It's beautiful yet sad. There is this part where the blind old doctor [Dr. Patterson] is miraculously healed by the suicidal teenager [Henry]. The amazement in his eyes when he sees things in life for the first time is just so heart-warming-being able to look at his watch and telling the time, "It's 11.33pm" to Sam. There's another quote in the movie where Dr. Patterson said to Sam "The world is an illusion". The world is indeed all but just an illusion. Most of the times, things are just surreal, phantamagoric. That kinda explains why people commit suicide in a way. What is there to lose if the world isn't real? It is actually a wise thing to do-wiser than the what the ordinaries would think of it is.

In this world we live in, what is the ratio of happy people to unhappy people? This is a very contradictory question. On one hand, I would like to think that most people are generally unhappy. On the other hand, I would find that most people are generally quite happy-judging from the happy faces and smiles I see everyday from these "fake" people. Or sometimes I categorise people into two groups -

1] The ordinaries who gets through their everyday lives with laughters and smiles-as if they do not have any worries and most importantly do not ponder on what life really is about

2] The extraordinaries who try to decipher the true meaning of life, psycho-analyse the beauty of it and to extract joy out of little details of life most ordinaries would have missed out. The 2nd group of people are mostly avid readers, writers, song-writers, philosophers and script-writers. They are able to come up with songs and movies that could bring audiences to tears.

Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah is such a powerful and beautifully written song that delivers a message about holding on to faith [and the way I see it, a man with a broken heart]. He drowned in the Mississipi River in the 1997. A part of his lyric goes:

"Well I heard there was a secret chord [1]
That David played and it pleased the Lord [2]
But you don't really care for music, do ya? [3]
Well it goes like this : [4]
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major

lift [5]
The baffled king composing Hallelujah" [6]

The 5th line caught my attention as he was referring to the chords F-G-Am-F. He is delivering the chords he was playing in words. It is clever the way that not only the chords line up in the lyrics and in the music, but also because the connotations themselves of "major" and "minor" add to the meaning of the song. The "fourth" is a major chord based on the fourth of the key Buckley is playing in. Likewise the fifth is the major chord based on the fifth tone of the key. The "Minor Fall" corresponds to Buckley playing a minor chord based on the sixth of the key. "Major Lift" corresponds to playing the major chord on the fourth again. In a separate part of the song, Buckley said that "Love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken Hallelujah". It is very beautifully written in the sense that love is not something to feel victorious about; it is more than that.

Brandi Carlile's "The Story" is yet another piece of art. In the lyrics, she describes the importance of having someone to tell your stories to in life. No matter how far you have been to, how great your achievements are, it is joyless unless you have someone to tell them to. Listen particularly to the part where her voice cracked. It is the best of all. Having found that soul-mate in life is the greatest blessing one could ask for-telling them about a road-trip you have just taken, the sunset you've just witnessed, the details, texture of the sky. It is all these little beautiful details that makes life beautiful, when you have someone to tell them to.

Irish songwriter-singer Damien Rice has an impeccable taste for music. His music brought tears to me on many occasions. A list of his work includes "The Blower's Daughter" from the movie "Closer", "Cold Water" from the movie "Stay" and "The Blower's Daughter Part 2". You will have to listen to his music closely to be able to feel the emotions he is feeling at that point of time. The emotions are very well-depicted in "The Blower's Daughter" video where he longs to love this girl but something comes in between them. And the part where the girl sings

"Did I say that I loathe you?

Did I say that I want to

Leave it all behind?"

is so beautiful yet sad.

This is a picture I took on a Friday night. Somehow it is filled with emotions for me. It looks peaceful and translates into having a sense of belonging to me. I feel joy just from looking at it. It's beautiful. It's an art.